Dad’s communication style runs in family

Dear Carolyn: This fall, my father left my mother at home while he went to spend the winter with friends in Florida. He did not tell my mother of his intentions until the week before, and it was hurtful to her that he had made plans without her knowledge. He did not tell me of his plans at all; I learned about it from another family member. I recently learned he intends to make this change permanent.

I am an adult with a family of my own, and I recognize he has fulfilled his obligations to me as a father. I recognize his right to live where he wishes, and am supportive of his choice to separate from my mother, as their relationship has been tense and bitter for decades.

However, I resent he has lacked the integrity to discuss his plans with my mother or with me. I also resent the fact he has chosen to limit his relationship with my young son, who adores him, by moving to the other side of the country. My impulse is to end all communication over social media and to refuse to engage in conversations until he gathers the courage to speak to us about his plans.

I can’t tell if this response is spiteful, or is an appropriate response to our family’s poor communication style.

– Anonymous

It’s an extension of your family’s communication style: To deliver an unpleasant message, you’re not saying anything at all. Just like Dad.

The best response, for you and especially for your son, would be to use your father’s silent departure as inspiration to break the old pattern for good.

And that means not going silent on him or imposing emotional sanctions, but instead actually talking to him and saying what you mean: “Yes, go to Florida – but please talk to us about this stuff. I found out through the grapevine.”

To get what you want, you have to give what you want. It’s not foolproof, but it’s necessary to a life lived with integrity.