Couch Slouch apologizes to Canada

Couch Slouch would like to apologize to Canada, and to all Canadians.

(It appears that everyone south of that border is apologizing to our northern neighbors lately, and I am not above reflecting the latest, coolest trends.)

I’d like to apologize for the Heat’s Dwyane Wade, who continued taking warm-up shots as “O Canada” was played before Game 3 of the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals in Toronto. If a certain Blue Jays right fielder kept taking batting practice while “The Star-Spangled Banner” was being played, he’d be Bautista-flipped back to the Dominican Republic faster than you could build a wall between our two nations.

I’d like to apologize for ESPN’s Brian Windhorst, who, while appearing on “Pardon the Interruption” from Toronto, complained he could not watch “PTI” there because Canada does not get ESPN. It does get TSN, which has aired “PTI” for, oh, 15 years or so. Heck, Tony Kornheiser – who doesn’t say goodbye to anyone – waves a Canadian flag and usually says, “Good night, Canada,” at the end of every “PTI.”

I’d like to apologize for ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, who absolutely and categorically dismissed the Raptors’ chances of winning any games in their playoff series against the Cavaliers. I apologize deeply – he speaks with forged tongue. Quite frankly, at the moment “Stephen A. Smith” might be the three scariest words in the English language other than “low-cost vasectomy.”

I’d like to apologize for LeBron James taunting Raptors super fan Drake courtside during Game 6 of the East finals. Sure, Drake had started it by mocking LeBron repeatedly on social media, but Drake is a rapper without social grace; LeBron should know better. Of course, they had a conciliatory embrace afterward, but I don’t need to see those two hugging anytime anywhere for any reason.

(Incidentally, there is one area in which otherwise sensible Canadians confound me – this whole notion of gathering outside Air Canada Centre in Toronto to watch the Raptors on a video screen in a plaza. Uh, do you really want to stand around for several hours surrounded by strangers eating and drinking to excess, all in close quarters? If I desired that, I’d just go on a Carnival Cruise and take in “Mamma Mia!”)

(I mean, you either buy a ticket and go inside the arena OR you stay at home and watch the game on TV; if you don’t have a TV, you can order one on amazon.com and have it in your living room within 24 hours. Who drives to the arena and then watches the game on a video screen outside the arena? I’d have more respect for you if you drove to Best Buy, plopped down in front of a flat screen there and slipped a Geek Squad guy a double sawbuck to sneak you a Yuengling or two.)

I’d like to apologize for no Canadian teams making the NHL playoffs for the first time in 46 years. It’s your game, man; this is just more U.S. imperialism run amok. My goodness, the Tampa Bay Lightning – the Tampa Bay Lightning! – nearly made the Stanley Cup finals. You think you can find a decent poutine rapee in all of Tampa? I think not.

I’d like to apologize for the fact that we are not as nice as you are. You folks are more polite to each other, take better care of each other and kill off each other at a much lower rate than we do here in the trigger-happy States. I just knock on wood every day that no Kardashian is packing heat.

I’d like to apologize for taking baseball out of Montreal 12 years ago. In fact, how does Tampa Bay have an MLB team and Montreal does not? Montreal is a world-class city; Tampa has 12 Hooters. Yes, it gets cold in Montreal, but you can just a build a dome, and if you don’t want to build it, you can hitch the vacant Astrodome to an RV trailer and bring it to Quebec at limited cost.

And, finally, I’d like to apologize to each and every Canadian for how loud we are in America. Of late, we all talk at the same time and pretty much feel the need to shout incessantly so we can be heard over everyone else. If you open your window in Newfoundland, you probably can hear Chris Russo in New York even if you don’t have Sirius XM Radio.

On the other hand, you all need to apologize to us for Justin Bieber.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Rob Ryan now says the last two years with the Saints were “a waste of time for me” because he couldn’t coach the defense the way he wanted. Wasn’t he the defensive coordinator? (Don Erskine; Cleveland)

A. Rob and Rex Ryan are cut from the same coarse cloth – they talk the talk, then walk away losers.

Q. If you had Tom Brady’s lawyers, would you still be appealing your first and second divorces? (Mike Wilsman; Severna Park, Maryland)

A. His lawyers only take winnable cases.

Q. What’s more worthless, sideline reporting or a screen door on a submarine? (Kim Hemphill;

South Riding, Virginia)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!