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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Dear Annie: Setting boundaries with visiting parent

By Annie Lane Creators Syndicate

Dear Annie: My children and I live about 350 miles away from my parents. Since moving away 13 years ago, my father has traveled out every month and stayed at our house for about a week each time. These visits are welcomed by my children, who really enjoy his company. I understand that this time is important for them, but these visits are wearing on me because of his lack of respect for my house rules and boundaries.

I’ll give you some examples. For one, he shows up unannounced every month. I have a general idea of what day but never exact dates for his arrival and departure. This makes planning activities around this stay problematic. Despite being asked not to on multiple occasions, he brings a lot of candy, doughnuts and other treats to the house for the kids. I have one child who has behavioral issues when he eats too much sugar, and I am able to control it much better without these temptations in the house. Also, my dad smokes on the front porch and refuses to use an ashtray. I am left to clean up the mess. He controls the TV and has it blaring day and night, leaving me feeling frazzled.

I have tried to subtly ask for changes to be made, but they are ignored. I am increasingly frustrated with each month that passes. Could you please offer some advice? Should I just tolerate it because he is my father and the grandkids enjoy him? – Frazzled Daughter

Dear Frazzled Daughter: Though your children might enjoy seeing their grandpa, I doubt they enjoy seeing their mom so stressed. Kids absorb our emotional energy, even when we do our best to keep it from them. Your continuing to hold in this resentment would not be healthy for you or for them. Consider this a teachable moment in setting healthy boundaries.

You’ve tried subtlety when talking with your father; now it’s time for directness. Emphasize that you and the kids love seeing him, but tell him that while he’s in your house, he needs to follow your rules. If he still refuses to make an effort? Barring him from visiting altogether would probably not be a realistic or good option, but you could ask him to visit less often and for shorter durations. One week every month is a lot of time to spend feeling frazzled.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.