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Friday, October 30, 2020  Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883
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Miss Manners: Teacher regrets using wrong pronouns

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin Andrews McMeel Syndication

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m an instructor at a college with a great diversity of students. They range in age from 15 to 70, and may have arrived via the prison day bus or the home-school parent’s minivan. I’ve taught for many years.

This semester, a member of the class is – or so I perceived – a man in his 30s, a bit stout, with long hair, clad in the frequent costume of T-shirt, jeans and work shoes. I ask each student how to pronounce their name and if they prefer a variation of it (does “James Brown” prefer Mr. Brown, James or Jim?) and he gave a variation of his first name.

I’ve referred to him as “he” lo these last two months, without correction. Then, after an exam this week, the last student to finish informed me that she’d looked on her classmate’s social media account and He’s posted as She.

I was flabbergasted. I looked up the student’s record, and she’s recorded as female.

Shall I apologize? I’m feeling it would be rude to make it her fault by asking why she didn’t correct me. I’ve had transitioning, gay and transgender students, and I respect each person. It’s none of my business where she is on any “label.” I’m just wondering how to respond to my public blunder. I have allowed the entire class to believe this, as well.

GENTLE READER: You are correct not to draw attention to it, particularly if the student in question previously has not. Miss Manners suggests that you simply switch to the female pronoun from now on and hope that the other students catch on. If they remain confused or curious, presumably they can look her up on social media themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a thank-you card for our wedding gift to his cousin and her new husband. The wedding was more than a year ago, but in fairness to the couple, there has been significant upset through that branch of the family since the wedding, so I’m quite willing to ignore how long the thank-you took.

What concerns me is that we were only thanked for one part of the gift, not the other two. All were boxed and wrapped separately, but were meant to be used – and, one hopes, enjoyed – together.

I don’t wish to be that complaining, ancient family member who nitpicks about not being thanked properly for a gift, but I am concerned that they might not have actually received the other boxes (they were all dropped off at a family home; see above family crises) or that they might have ascribed them to another gift-giver.

Is there a polite and kind way to ask if they got the rest of the presents, without being seen as querulous?

GENTLE READER: “I am so glad you liked the silver forks. We thought that they would work especially well with the matching knives and spoons.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website,

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