Miss Manners 6/19
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in her 60s and pride myself on my cooking. My sons and friends will vouch for my ability. I am also not above learning from others or taking suggestions.
That being said, the other night I was cooking some stuffed peppers in the oven. When I went to check on them, the tomato sauce looked very dark.
When I told my husband what I noticed, he said he had added some red wine.
I was livid. It’s one thing to come to me and say “Hey, how about adding …” but to add it without me knowing was unacceptable. He seemed to think it was no big deal.
We are both in the wine and food industry. Do you think it is OK to alter someone else’s cooking while it is being cooked, and without asking or telling?
GENTLE READER: Not only is it not OK, it is a plot device for domestic murder mysteries. Miss Manners suggests you emphasize that point to your husband and make a deal going forward: No one may alter any food or drink in preparation without warning and explicit and verbal consent.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my spouse and I wed, we stated on our invitations, “No gifts, please.” However, a number of guests left cards with checks in them. Some of the amounts were in the range to cover expenses, but others were considerably more substantial.
Of course, we sent effusive thank-you cards, but I wonder: Should we have been more explicit and stated, “No gifts or cash”? While we were happy to get the money, I hate to think that we inadvertently implied that we were asking for cash in lieu of gifts, or even intended to leave the door open for it.
GENTLE READER: Because the modern wedding industry cannot conceive of a world in which you are not well-compensated for getting married, that is the modern interpretation of “no gifts.” It has seemingly been updated to place the emphasis on the word “gifts,” rather than “no.”
Miss Manners always found the phrase distasteful because of its implied expectation for presents in the first place. Now she finds it doubly so.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know it is considered impolite to ask for something that is not on the dinner table. I was wondering, however, if it were permitted to ask for routine things, such as salt or water.
Is it OK to ask for tea when coffee is offered, or should one just refuse a drink? Cream cheese is routinely offered with bagels, but I prefer butter. Is it acceptable to ask if they have such, or do I eat my bagel dry?
GENTLE READER: Naked bagels and beverage abstinence are not required, as long as requests are polite and reasonable. Miss Manners allows one usually available substitution per item, if no more than two words are used to modify it: “I wonder if you might have beer instead of wine” is acceptable. “Something hoppy in a locally sourced, sustainable craft lager” is not.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.