Dear Annie 11/30
Dear Annie: I am sibling No. 3 out of four. I am estranged from Nos. 2 and 4. This was my choice, and a wise decision. They are manipulative bullies, and after years of trying to have a relationship with them, I finally gave up. My younger sibling tried to manipulate me with a fake suicide threat because I would not give in to her demands. My older brother is an emotionally unavailable bully who has taken advantage of my father by using his credit cards and then not paying him back. I have tried to address these issues, but they always turn the table and tell me that I am the problem.
Dad turns 90 next summer, and my oldest sibling wants us to fly home (COVID-19 permitting) to have a dinner celebration at a restaurant. Annie, I don’t want to go. I cannot bring myself to sit across the table from these two. I refuse to fake it or pretend that everything is fine.
If I do this, I will be resentful toward myself. I am not willing, not even for Dad. I am planning to fly later in the month to take Dad and my stepmother out to dinner. We get along really well. They are aware of the estrangement and have remained neutral, which is good. Do you have any other suggestions? – Sibling 3 Has Left the Building
Dear Sibling 3: It sounds like there’s a great deal of hurt, anger and miscommunication here. A suicide threat is never something to dismiss as just being manipulative. It is often a cry for help (which I’m hoping she received from a professional). As far as your older brother being emotionally unavailable and taking advantage of your father, he can’t be a very happy person.
But on your point that every conversation ends with the tables being turned on you, this might be an indication of things you have to work on as well. Relationships are two-way streets, and rarely is one person completely at fault. Be introspective and see if you can find forgiveness in your heart for them, at least so you can go to your dad’s 90th birthday.
You don’t have to sit at their table, and remember, it’s not a birthday about you; it’s for your father, and my guess is that nothing would make him happier than having all of his children in attendance.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.