Miss Manners 7/14

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am aware that you strongly advise people not to respond to rude behavior or bad manners in a similar way. How, though, can you express politely that the guilty party’s behavior is not acceptable?

Permit me to explain my situation. I am an unemployed librarian looking for work. I have applied for many jobs, and the applications are submitted online. Last week, I received a rejection email from a college. I had applied for the job six months ago!

I wanted to reply, “I think I gathered that.” Some institutions wait months before they announce their hiring decisions, and some libraries treat the issue rather casually. People’s lives are in limbo as they wait for decisions.

Is there a polite, but strong, rebuke, to people who wait months to send a rejection letter?

GENTLE READER: The polite ways to register offense are generally nonverbal, because they are meant to be subtle: a haughty look, a cold tone, a raised eyebrow.

Emails, which are devoid of context, – and which are often written and read quickly – can barely convey simple messages without a risk of being misunderstood.

The polite way to convey your meaning is to be direct: “I am naturally disappointed that you did not choose me for the position, but I am sure there were many qualified candidates. It would have been gracious if you could have conveyed the news in a more timely fashion.”

However, Miss Manners seriously questions the wisdom of doing so. Your criticism is likely to be dismissed as coming from a sore loser, and it is no good annoying someone who might be thinking of you as the runner-up if the first candidate fails.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My lovely niece announced her upcoming wedding. Showers followed. I gave her some very nice gifts from her wedding registry, splurging a little bit.

Right before the wedding ceremony, it was called off, and I’m proud of her for doing such a difficult thing.

Within a year, she announced her wedding to a different man. I went to her registry and noticed that she was asking for the same things I had previously given her. I selected a less costly gift this time.

Should I have bought a gift for the second wedding equal in value to the gifts I gave her for the wedding that was called off?

GENTLE READER: Only if she had given them back first. Wedding gifts from a canceled wedding are to be returned to their givers.

Miss Manners is further trying to imagine what this young woman will do with two sets of everything, plus presents from multiple showers. But because you say your niece is lovely, Miss Manners will resist thinking the worst – and wish her only well in her newfound happiness. (She should still return those earlier presents.)

Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.