Miss Manners 4/1
DEAR MISS MANNERS: It looks like my niece will be getting engaged to her companion of several years. They are lovely young women, both college graduates, both with good jobs. They have the support of both families.
My niece has never lived in the town where the rest of the family lives and where her mother (my sister) grew up. She will be here this spring, and I would like to invite close family and friends to meet her fiancee and say hi to my niece. This is not a shower, just a family dinner.
I would like to word the invitation: “We are pleased to announce our niece, Mia, has recently become engaged to Jordan, a delightful woman from Chicago. We would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday, March 15, at 6 to see Mia and meet Jordan. Please let me know if you can join us.”
I thought it necessary to add the “delightful woman” wordage because her name is gender neutral. Does this sound appropriate? What do I do if people ask about presents? It will be a small wedding out of town, so most of the guests will not be invited.
GENTLE READER: There is no need to announce the reason for having a dinner party, merely that you are having it. This, Miss Manners points out, will not only eliminate the need for superfluous details, but also for guests asking about presents. “Please join us for dinner on March 15 at 6 p.m.” will suffice. Then, at the dinner, give a toast to the happy couple, introduce your prospective niece-in-law and announce their engagement. As a bonus, this plan will make it far less rude when these same guests are not invited to the wedding.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been part of a “family meal swap” for a little more than a year now, but recently, the woman in charge specified a menu for everybody to cook, including specific ingredients and side dishes.
When I joined this meal swap, I did it to taste other families’ dishes and expand my own cooking. Now I feel kind of peeved that I have to cook somebody else’s specific menu. I don’t think that it’s wrong that I feel this way, but I am unsure how to approach it with the hostess. My first instinct is just to lie and say I’m too busy after this month, but I like and respect her enough that I feel I should tell her the truth.
GENTLE READER: Tell her why before ghosting her: “I’m afraid that I must have misinterpreted the point of this meal swap. While your menu plan sounds tasty, I thought we were making and trying new dishes. I understand if, as hostess, you want to change the plan, but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to join anymore.”
And then Miss Manners asks that you wait a respectable amount of time before starting up your own meal swap and poaching all of this person’s guests.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.