Dear Annie 12/31

Dear Annie: I could’ve written the letter from “Divorce Ambivalent” many, many years ago when our three children were young. My husband was busy with his career, and he loved sports. He was a good father but often did what he wanted to do on weekends.

He did help with the children, and he was a good husband, provider and an honorable man. He was always faithful. We always did fun things together, but the attention he gave to weekend sports would leave me feeling lonely and unimportant. I would discuss it with him and always hoped he would make the “I’ll change” promise, but he never did.

I knew from my own parents’ unhappy marriage that the “change” promise is a well-intentioned but often empty one, but I still wanted him to give me “hope.” I managed by focusing on the good in our marriage and in this man. He wasn’t perfect, but neither was I. Could he have put me first more often? Maybe, but I began to realize it wasn’t his responsibility to “fulfill” me.

I began doing more of what I enjoyed, even if it meant time away from him and family (travel, visiting my parents alone, hobbies, etc.). He never resented it, but if he had, I would simply have acknowledged we were both putting ourselves first on occasion.

We just celebrated 40 years of marriage, and our children are grown. Is our marriage perfect? No, but it is pretty darn good and better than it was 25 years ago. We talk about everything, and I believe that communication is absolutely the MOST important thing in a marriage. We spend time doing fun things both together and apart.

We have become a couple that focuses on each other instead of our children. Hang in there, “Divorce Ambivalent”; keep working to make your marriage a strong one, even if it feels like you’re doing more. It is absolutely possible for your spouse to be your best friend after going through “meh” marriage phases. – Happy at 40 Years

Dear Happy at 40 Years: Thank you for sharing your story and advice.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.