Miss Manners 10/26

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a part-time employee who works with one other part-timer and our mutual boss. Lately, the other worker is getting on my nerves. She’ll nitpick at my work and remind me to do things I already know about, or have already done. The last time she said something, I had to bite my tongue.

I have a good reputation, I’m a hard worker, I’m experienced and I set high standards for myself. Can you think of anything I can say to get her to stop critiquing my work? Otherwise, I like this person.

GENTLE READER: The best way to retrain your co-worker is to take all the fun out of it. Next time she offers a critique or an assignment, apologize that you were so focused on your work that you missed what she was saying. Ask her to repeat it. Nod vaguely to acknowledge that you heard her and then return to your work.

If she follows up, repeat the process. Miss Manners has no objection to your enjoying the exasperation this will cause her. Just remember that when she changes her behavior – because her only recourse is to take all the fun out of it for you – you will have achieved your objective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an 81-year-old veteran who was asked to be a judge for our local parade. There were two other judges assigned.

When the parade was over, the third judge ignored our attempts to tally the scores and instead chose every winner herself, then presented her choices to the committee in charge.

I am friends with many of the contestants and feel badly about what this judge did. Should I out her as a corrupt person or let it go?

GENTLE READER: Your military training no doubt tells you that what happened was only possible with the element of surprise. Next year, you will accompany the third judge to the committee and speak up as necessary.

But what to do about the battle already fought and lost? Miss Manners would explain what happened to the committee chairperson. The committee may not want to undo awards already given, but it is unlikely to reinstate that judge next year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A childhood friend, Moira, and I traveled to visit my best friend. Moira behaved badly on our trip.

Now my best friend has moved, and she has forbidden me to share her new address with Moira. She wants nothing to do with her. Moira repeatedly asks me for her address; I don’t know how to handle it, so I’ve ignored the requests and ghosted Moira myself.

I feel guilty. How can I handle this better?

GENTLE READER: “Bad behavior” encompasses a wide range of activities, but Miss Manners assumes that Moira’s behavior on this trip was bad enough to require an apology without being bad enough to cause a permanent rupture in your own friendship with her.

The solution is not to abandon a childhood friend, but to say that it would be best to consider the visit closed. It is possible Moira simply wants to apologize, which you can offer to convey.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.