Dear Annie: Managing a family disease

Editor’s note: Annie Lane is away. This originally was published in 2020.

Dear Annie: I have been married to my wife for 25 years, and I love her so very much. When we first met, she had two young boys, ages 2 and 7, and for the most part I helped raise them with her. In the late ’90s and early 2000s, we traveled around the country with our business. The boys went back to their father’s for a few years. When we sold the business, they came back to live with us. We found them to have changed. They were into drugs and gangster lifestyles. They are now 30 and 35 years old. The older son, “Tim,” has carved out a wonderful life. But the 30-year-old, “Robby,” has continued doing drugs. A few years ago, we agreed to take him in to see if we could help. He’s still here.

He has not worked or even looked for a job in five-plus years. He stays in his bedroom and watches TV, stays up until 4 or 5 a.m. every night and gets up the at 1 or 2 p.m. I don’t think he is doing drugs anymore, but I’m not sure.

I’ve tried to talk to my wife about setting boundaries: He needs to get a job and that he can’t just keep living with us and not even looking for one. But it always ends up in a disagreement.

I offered Robby a list of 10 ideas of jobs he might like and bought him a book to read called “Your Best Self.” He has never even picked it up.

I don’t know what to do anymore; I have almost left my wife over him. We are in our 60s, and it is getting harder. She defends everything he does, so it’s impossible to have a productive conversation about any of this. Tim has become frustrated as well. I don’t see any end in the future. – Desperate Stepdad

Dear Desperate Stepdad: Addiction is a family disease. Living with your stepson’s drug abuse has warped your wife’s way of thinking. This is true even if he’s not using anymore. This situation has become too much for you to bear alone. I encourage you to attend a Nar-Anon meeting and ask your wife (and other stepson) to go as well. If your wife says no, go on your own, and try at least a few different meetings before deciding whether or not it’s for you. They’re free and confidential, and they just might offer that light at the end of the tunnel that you so need. Visit the Nar-Anon website for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.