A mother retaliates to daughters’ snubs

Dear Annie: Are you aware that, according to experts, approximately 25% of adult children do not speak to one or both of their parents? I’m in that situation. I gave my two daughters everything they wanted that I could afford to give them: dance and music lessons, dive and soccer teams, trips throughout the U.S. and overseas and expensive private schools of their choice. While my daughters wore designer clothing, I bought my clothing from discount stores. I never beat them or spoke unkindly to them or about them. I was always very proud of them.

Now my daughters are in their 30s, and neither one of them speaks to me. The last communication was a phone call I made to my 32-year-old daughter who, when I asked her what I did to deserve this, said she wanted us to go for family counseling so we could have an “ADULT relationship.” I told my daughter to make an appointment with a counselor and I would be there. That was 1½ years ago and was the last I ever heard from her. I finally took her off my phone plan last month. Isn’t it ironic that the person who wanted an adult relationship with me allowed me to pay her phone bill for an additional 1½ years?

Instead of doing what I did in the past, waiting for the rare text (regarding going out to dinner one time while they’re in town) and appreciating what I had, I moved on. I’m currently packing up all of their belongings they left in my house when they moved away, and I am putting it all outside for them to pick up while I’m out of town. I changed the locks on my house so they can’t get in. Then I’m changing my will.

I’m surrounded by people who love me, want the best for me and treat me with great respect. Those are the people who are going to benefit from my estate. – Ungrateful Daughters

Dear Ungrateful: What you are is hurt by your daughters, and so you are trying to shut them out as a way of retaliating. That might make sense on the surface, but it is not the best thing in the long run. You can’t control their actions, but you can control how you spend time with them.

Dear Annie: I have two adult children who are married to great people; they both have wonderful jobs and beautiful children, who I just adore. So, what’s the problem? They believe they have all the answers and that Mom (me) is an idiot! They don’t outright say it, but their actions and comments suggest it. They believe they are successful despite me, not because of me. They have actually said that.

I chose to be a stay-at-home mom who gave up a career to be there for her children. I educated them, loved them, clothed them, fed them, nursed them, played with them, laughed with them, cried with them and did everything else that a mother should do.

Here I thought I’d be able to pass down some words of wisdom. Share with them my failures so they wouldn’t repeat them, my successes so they can learn from them. But what I get is laughter or eye rolls. I feel I have become obsolete. Does this happen to everyone as they get older? Did we make our parents feel this way? – Feeling Worthless

Dear Feeling Worthless: As you get older, yes, the dynamics of the relationship of parent and child do shift. You sound like an amazing mother, and I’m sure it is a big part of your children’s success. Maybe they don’t want to hear lots of pieces of wisdom (most times, people have to experience things to figure them out for themselves); rather, they just want to be with you – as a mother and friend and not a lecturer who has all this wisdom to download on them. Regardless if they are your children, spouse, friend or sibling, no one should make you feel so put down and worthless. Please tell them that and ask that they not put you down, while at the same time focus on enjoying and loving the moment rather than offering lectures.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.