Miss Manners: Gratitude for parents will be expressed on child’s schedule

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if my daughter should have sent thank-you cards to my wife and myself when she graduated from college.

My wife said she should have, but I don’t feel the same way. Could you please let me know?

GENTLE READER: In the normal course of events, children take it for granted that their parents feed, clothe and educate them. In happy families, it sometimes strikes adult children how enormous an undertaking that is.

That may bring on a spontaneous burst of gratitude, beyond the usual affection that children who have felt loved and cared for will presumably have been expressing. This may be prompted by special occasions, such as parental birthdays; typically, however, the full realization of the time, energy, patience and money spent occurs when the children have children of their own.

Miss Manners would not have thought that college graduation would bring this on. Does your wife really want to focus on your shared contributions to your daughter’s education, however much you sacrificed, instead of on your daughter’s achievement? Isn’t this the time to tell her how proud of her you are – not how indebted to you she is?

That may come later. Miss Manners hopes it will not be merely with a paltry card.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have suffered from several years of infertility, and I am often asked why we don’t have children. As it’s none of their business, and for privacy reasons, I typically answer with, “Though it’s a desire, it has not come as easy for us as others.”

Whenever someone inquires further, I would like to know how to politely tell them it’s none of their business.

GENTLE READER: In polite language, “None of your business” is translated as “That is a personal matter.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a case manager at a law firm and frequently must call people at another law firm to discuss cases that we have together. Sometimes the receptionist at the other law firm will ask detailed questions as to what the call is about before transferring me to the person with whom I need to speak.

I don’t mean a simple inquiry as to which case the call is about – I mean detailed questions. In my view, it’s none of the receptionist’s business what the call is about; if the law firm wanted her to have substantive conversations about cases, she would have a different position than receptionist.

On the possibility that she may be following instructions, I’ve never pushed back, but it does irritate me.

Is there a polite way to convey “It’s none of your business, so please put me through to So-and-So” without actually saying that? Or does business etiquette require that I answer whatever questions the receptionist has before speaking with the person I actually called to talk to?

GENTLE READER: Well, this is not a personal matter. And most likely, the receptionist is not being nosy, but rather following instructions from her employers, as you suggest.

Still, you could say, “She’ll know what it is about.” Miss Manners hopes that works.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.