Miss Manners: When eavesdropping is unavoidable
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was dining within inches of an occupied table for two at a restaurant. A man at that table asked his dining companion if he knew where the restroom was located. He didn’t.
I had asked the same question of a waiter, now nowhere in sight, 15 minutes earlier. I told the diner where the restaurant was located. (This setup is unusual, but I’ve encountered it at least a couple of times in Manhattan restaurants.)
The diner snippily said, “Thank you for the information, but no thank you for eavesdropping.”
I didn’t respond, and he got up to walk to the restroom. Should I not have said anything? I was trying to be helpful, not intrusive.
GENTLE READER: “You’re right,” Miss Manners would have advised you to say. “I didn’t mean to, but the tables are so close I couldn’t help it. I’m so sorry.”
This accomplishes three things. It surprises him because you are agreeing with him. It establishes common cause: You are all victims of the tight spacing. It diffuses his grievance: You apologized.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve noticed an uptick in disrespectful behavior from dog owners lately. Just the other day, I walked past an elderly man who let his dog use a group of beautiful plants in a public courtyard as its personal toilet. When I looked at him in shock, the man just grinned at me.
If he’d been younger, I would have yelled at him. But in this case, I didn’t know what else to do but glare and walk away.
How should I deal with situations like this in the future? I assume Miss Manners doesn’t approve of shouting at the dog owners.
GENTLE READER: Ah, yes. Your argument is, “I know there is a normal and reasonable way to deal with this situation, should it recur. But that is not sufficiently high-caliber, because this is A TREND.”
Miss Manners is not questioning whether there may actually be an uptick in disrespectful behavior by dog owners. She merely wishes to note that reflexive calls for escalation in all cases explain a great deal about current American society.
As an occasional problem, this would merit a Disapproving Frown – which, for the record, is one step up from a Cold Stare, one step down from a Glare, and at least one step down from yelling, which is unacceptable.
But if there truly is an epidemic of canine defecation in your area, then the solution is not to turn up the rudeness volume, but to appeal to a system or organization that addresses public health or the care of public spaces.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.