Rex Huppke: ICE doing airport security? What could possibly go wrong …

Federal immigration agents, hot off their success at being widely despised on the streets of American cities, are now loitering around airport security lines to lend a not-helping hand.

This is great news if you’re a fan of chaos. It’s less-great news if you’re a fan of going to the airport and getting somewhere in a safe and timely fashion without being kidnapped and wrongly deported to an El Salvadoran prison.

President Donald Trump announced this extremely not-wise plan on Sunday. That same day, White House border czar Tom Homan went on CNN and said, “I’m currently working on the plan. … We’ll put together a plan today and we’ll execute it tomorrow.”

Wow, one whole day to plan the movement of immigration agents not trained in airport security to hundreds of airports across the country? That might be more time than they spent planning the Iran war. I’m sure it’s plenty!

TSA airport checkpoints have been dramatically backed up lately because Democrats won’t fund the Department of Homeland Security unless Republicans reform the reckless agents of Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Border Patrol. Those would be the same agents who have mistakenly deported U.S. citizens, beaten the snot out of innocent protesters and, in several cases, shot and killed Americans.

The reform Democrats are seeking involves quaint things like “warrants,” “wearing proper identification,” and “not racially profiling people.” They offered to fund TSA separately, but Republicans voted no.

With DHS unfunded, TSA workers aren’t getting paid. Hundreds have quit, and many others are calling in sick.

So what’s Trump’s solution to a problem that revolves around unpopular federal immigration agents? SEND IN THE UNPOPULAR FEDERAL IMMIGRATION AGENTS!

What could possibly go wrong?

Before you answer that, please avail yourself of the following suggestions on what to do – and what not to do – should you come across an ICE agent at the airport:

Do not assume any federal immigration agent has heard of the Constitution. Based on their behavior – from warrantless arrests to ignoring free speech rights – we’ve learned ICE agents are incapable of seeing the U.S. Constitution. Any time they’re confronted with so much as an amendment, their vision blurs and they instinctively reach for a pepper-spray canister.

Travelers should be aware of this and assume each agent inhabits a “zone of unconstitutionality” in which all rights are suspended.

Do everything possible to look American. If you see ICE or Border Patrol agents working a TSA security checkpoint, make sure you look fully American, thus avoiding any unwanted tackling or deportation. Red, white and blue clothing is advisable. T-shirts that show a bald eagle holding any type of firearm in its talons are optimal. It’s also helpful to hold a cheeseburger or a Bud Light until you reach the X-ray machines, and humming “God Bless the USA” by Lee Greenwood can’t hurt.

Wearing a MAGA hat gives you absolute immunity.

Self-tackling will save everybody a lot of time. If you have TSA PreCheck and you make eye contact with an airport ICE agent, save yourself and fellow travelers some time by violently throwing yourself to the ground. That will free up available federal immigration agents to tackle travelers entering through the standard TSA screening lines, where self-tackling is prohibited.

Do use the airline security rules to your advantage. In the likely event you find yourself angrily shouting “ICE OUT! ICE OUT!” tell the agents who descend on you, possibly with guns drawn, that you were simply reminding fellow travelers to empty their water bottles before reaching the X-ray machines. You may still be handcuffed, stuffed into an unmarked vehicle and whisked away to a windowless detention center, but at least you’ll have a defense to discuss with your attorney. (HAH! I’m kidding. You won’t be allowed to talk to an attorney.)

Wear an ID headband and assume your children will be taken. Make sure all family members traveling with you are equipped with a Velcro headband that holds their ID or passport. You want the first thing an airport ICE agent sees to be your identification, even if the last thing you see from any of those agents is their identification, or their faces.

Since children aren’t likely to have IDs that prove their citizenship, you should assume at least one of your kids will be taken from you at the airport. While sad, it will end up cutting back on your travel costs. And for that, you can thank President Donald J. Trump, the man who decided it would be a great idea to put unqualified and unhelpful people nobody likes in a place where other people are already angry.

Follow USA Today columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk