To paraphrase, Dictionary.com defines Geo as, “the earth,” and Metro as, “a means by which to travel a metropolis.” To me, a Geo Metro is an abandoned little rust bucket that’s been parked in front of my house for the last two days. It belongs to my roommate’s brother, Brian. Brian is on a road trip in Steve’s 1996 Buick Regal. When Brian returns to retrieve his unsightly subcompact from our house's curbside parking, he’s going to be confronted by an interview with The Beater Diaries.
For now, all I can do is eyeball the Metro, peer in the windows and marvel at its thoroughbred beater qualities in preparation for the hard hitting encounter with its owner. Hold on a minute. I’m going out into the rain with a sticky pad to jot down some initial observations.
…I’m back, and giddy with excitement from my findings:
PARK JOB – Directly in front of our mailbox, blocking any and all mail our house should be receiving. Even better, it’s positioned snugly behind my 1995 Civic hatchback. Both cars’ color is best described as teal, or sea foam if you will. Only my Civic is rust free. The Geo looks like something the Civic squeezed out of its tail pipe.
RUST – Can be found eating away at the Geo in the following places:
-Around the keyhole on the hatch, like a cancerous donut
-Along the arc of the right rear finder, like a patchy adolescent mustache if the kid had bad rust-colored acne
-Lower/Upper passenger door
-Where the hood emblem should be
-In and around a rust-hole above the left front headlight
ADDITIONAL BODY DAMAGE
-Blue replacement fender on front driver’s side with yellow lettering displaying a junkyard part number
-Hole/long horizontal crack in rear bumper, likely from rear impact
-Battered front license plate, likely from frontal impact
-Smattering of small dents on lower front hood, likely from the frontal impact, or an extremely isolated assault of golf-ball sized hail
INTERIOR CONTENTS (So far as I could see)
-Two, no three, no, four Marlboro cigarette packets, presumed empty
-Countless Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew bottles, filling all cup holders and covering the floor
-Dense ground cover of Frito Lay chips beneath the soda bottles on the rear floorboards, apparently stemming from an exploded bag of Frio Lay chips
-Several K-Mart receipts, one empty K-Mart plastic bag
-Something cylindrical, wrapped in tinfoil stashed behind the rear bench seat, about the size of a prize-winning cucumber
-Moderate sprinkling of cigarette butts, positioned indiscriminately throughout the car
-Single book of matches in driver’s seat
-Notable amount of coins in dashboard dish, all of which are pennies
-Various loose coins throughout car, all of which are pennies
-Oatmeal-colored strips of house carpet, used as front floor-mats
-Custom shifter knob that resembles a golf club of sorts, perhaps a driver
Mmmm, this is going to be good.