Gift Gobblers Children Need Help Understanding The Spirit Of Giving
It’s Christmas Eve. The clan is gathered at Grandma and Grandpa’s house for an evening of singing around the piano and sharing gifts around the Christmas tree.
A family friend is playing Santa. He hands out the first gift and turns to select another. But before he can reach for a third, tissue paper is flying, kids are shouting and in two minutes, every present under the tree is torn open.
Robert Fontana remembers it as the attack of the Christmas piranhas. “There must have been 50 presents. And they were gone in a flash as if by some mysterious command. We hardly knew which present belonged to whom or who had given what to whom.”
The attack of the Christmas piranhas added fuel to Robert and his wife Loris’ efforts to make Christmas less about presents and more about presence.
Despite the non-stop ads that begin before Thanksgiving, parents like the Fontanas believe what their kids really want for Christmas doesn’t come from a store.
Cheryl Doran of Spokane decided to make changes the year her boys ripped the packages open so fast they didn’t seem to appreciate the gifts. “Their minds were set on the next one and how fast they could open it. Then they got through and looked around for more.” There was disappointment all around.
“As a parent, it was a letdown because there was no appreciation for each individual gift,” remembers Doran.
The Dorans scaled back on giftgiving.
“When there’s so much, you lose the whole spirit of what Christmas is all about,” Cheryl Doran says. “We try to put more emphasis on before Christmas, celebrating throughout Advent with prayer and activities. It’s a time of giving more than receiving. The presents aren’t the main thing. Realistically, that’s what the kids are excited about, but we try to put more emphasis on the whole season.”
Does that really work, wonders one mother whose 5-year-old daughter pleads endlessly for an American Girl doll with a price tag near $90.
“I can already feel her disappointment when she finds it’s not under the tree,” says the mother, who did not want her name used. “Maybe it’s because I’m still grieving the Easy-Bake Oven I never got 25 years ago. Is there really a way to please kids when they see so many things they want?”
Yes, there is, according to Spokane family therapist Shann Ferch, who says dissatisfaction over gifts and gift-giving comes up frequently in groups and families he works with around the holiday season. He says a child or even an adult will often feel dissatisfied with even the best and most expensive gifts if intimacy is lacking in the family.
Oh, no, the “I” word.
“People hear the word intimacy and go aaaahhhh … how do I do that?” Ferch says. It doesn’t have to be difficult or complicated, he says. Do something simple and creative.
First, it’s important to define your family’s values surrounding Christmas. Think about them. Write them down. Then share them with your children.
If you can’t afford the American Girl doll, says Ferch, that’s easy. Just tell your child you don’t have the money.
If it’s a matter of your values, Ferch says it’s time to have a more in-depth conversation. Tell your child that’s not what we believe Christmas is about.
It’s not the biggest and best gift; rather, it’s spending time together; it’s showing we love each other.
And don’t forget the fun. Fontana, father of six children, says there are three things kids want.
“Kids, they just want to belong, to have tasty treats and to have fun. And you don’t need a lot of presents to do that,” he says.
The Fontana family scaled back gift-giving, too. On Christmas morning they open gifts from relatives. But the family waits until Epiphany (Jan. 6) to give each other gifts.
No gifts from Santa or even Mom and Dad. They draw names before Christmas and each person gets one gift from someone in the family. They open them one at a time.
“We want to enjoy each other’s gifts,” explains Fontana. “The kids love doing it, they enjoy seeing what each one got and who gave what. And the gifts are not the highlight of the day.
“We make it a family day, with a nice breakfast, a prayer service, a fun activity. What the kids look forward to is the special day. The gift is only part of the whole day.”
But, Fontana admits, “It does take some re-education.”
Ferch calls it “being intentional.”
“If I want something to happen in my family, I have to creatively design that,” he says. “Step forward. Take a risk.”
Once you’ve established your family values for Christmas and you’ve talked to the kids about them, then give your children opportunities to experience those values.
One family has an annual tradition of acting out the Christmas story from the Bible. Each person takes a part and dresses in a simple costume created from things around the house.
Ferch says the family is all grown now, but they still act out the Christmas story. For them, it wouldn’t be Christmas without it.
Ferch says it’s this type of holiday tradition that helps create intimacy in a family as well as nurture values.
Another simple tradition that promotes intimacy is a process Ferch calls “spotlighting.” It can be adapted to fit different family situations and values.
Spotlighting takes place at the dinner table. One person starts, choosing another family member and saying one thing she likes or admires about that person. That person listens and then spotlights someone else.
It goes around the family until everyone has had a chance.
Variations might be to say something you are thankful for, or something you like about Christmas that doesn’t have to do with giftgiving. The possibilities are as varied as families.
Children may be quick to tell parents they want designer clothes, brand-name toys and the latest electronic gear, but what they really want may be completely different. Parents will lead the way, whether they do it consciously or not, in how children view Christmas.
If you ask your child what he wants for Christmas, and then go out and buy it, Ferch says, the child may believe you don’t really know him or care enough about him to go out and choose a meaningful gift.
“Send your children clear, consistent messages that are backed with love and messages about your family values,” says Ferch, suggesting that parents say: “I understand you really want an American Girl doll. I know your best friend is getting one.
“But that’s their family, and they decide how they celebrate Christmas. This is our family, and we decide how we celebrate Christmas.”
Be explicit about what kind of gifts you will be giving: “You’ll get one big one like the one I gave you last year, and one small one like a board game.”
One family says it helps to give kids something to look forward to other than gifts. Each year they plan for Mom and Dad to take a vacation day the day after Christmas, and they spend the whole day relaxing and having fun together as a family.
Fontana says his family Epiphany celebration is like a repeat of Christmas Day, but without all the hype, pressure and high anticipation.
“After many years of it, the kids like the ritual,” he says. “They cooperate. Often, it’s the kids who insist we slow down when opening the presents.”
“Now, would the kids like to get more gifts?” adds Fontana.
“Certainly. But they do have a peaceful and fun day, and the Christmas piranhas have never returned.”
Mary Cronk Farrell is a free-lance writer and part-time reporter for KXLY-TV.
MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: Some of the most wanted Christmas gifts can’t be wrapped The four things children really want for Christmas, from “Unplug the Christmas Machine” by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli (William Morrow): A relaxed and loving time with family. The holiday season may make this harder than usual because there are so many more things to do and places to go. A parent’s relaxed, freely given attention says simply, you are a priority. Realistic expectations about gifts. Prepare children for what they won’t get to stave off disappointment. An evenly paced holiday season. Try a shorter build-up to Christmas and stretch out festivities after the holiday. Reliable family traditions. Traditions enrich each holiday with memories of those gone by and give children comfort and security.