Keeping To The Point Scripts Can Make Difficult Conversations A Little Easier

OK, the Rolling Stones were right.

You can’t always get what you want.

Well, maybe you could - if you just knew how to ask.

You want a raise but are afraid to ask the boss. You want a big-screen TV but are afraid to bring up the subject with your spouse because it seems like such a frivolous expense.

But whenever you start one of those conversations, you’re tonguetied. The boss stops you with a zinger and you don’t know what to say - until the next day, when you realize what you should have said.

Well, here’s help. There’s a book designed to guide you through some of the toughest conversations in your life.

“In Lifescripts: What to Say To Get What You Want in 101 of Life’s Toughest Situations” (Macmillan, $21.95), lawyer and personal finance expert Stephen Pollan and co-author Mark Levine provide planned dialogues that map out what to say - and comebacks for all kinds of tough conversations, in personal and professional situations.

There are scripts for asking your boss for job-hunting advice, for a promotion, a raise or flextime. There are scripts for confronting a backstabbing co-worker or confronting a person who has been sexually harassing you.

Other scripts deal with consumer issues and creditors. There are 16 scripts devoted to family issues - including how to ask a parent for money in an emergency, discussing funeral costs with family members, debating vacations with your spouse, breaking an engagement and, yes, ending a friendship.

The scripts work like flowcharts. You start with the opening line or icebreaker and get immediately to the point. Pollan outlines the other person’s possible responses and your rebuttals.

“At first, people think this sounds manipulative,” said Pollan, who spent five years as CNBC’s personal finance expert. “But this book is all about preparation. You are taking the time to prepare for a goal that’s important to you - so that your conversation doesn’t turn into a conversation about the weather.”

The largest segment of the book deals with work: job-hunting situations, dealing with superiors, dealing with subordinates, negotiating office politics, even cold-calling clients and apologizing to clients. There are scripts for dealing with vendors, partners and lenders.

The attention to the workplace is warranted, Pollan said.

“That’s what people are most concerned about,” he said. They’re worried about keeping their jobs, getting new jobs and getting ahead.

By providing people with the words to say - the opening lines, arguments, even the closing thank you - Pollan says he has tried to make people more confident.

To create the scripts, Pollan and Levine came up with a list of awkward situations that leave people speechless.

“These are things that happen to most people and that are extremely difficult,” Pollan said. “How do you tell a spouse that he or she has a hygiene problem? It’s not easy. How do you tell an employee the fact that he’s on drugs is going to be fatal to his job? How do you tell a boss that you don’t want to handle an assignment?”

They then developed opening lines - followed by possible responses by the other party. Pollan provided the dialogue and Levine played the devil’s advocate. They quizzed each other until they agreed upon a final draft.

Not all scripts take the same tack. If you want your spouse to lose weight, he suggests this line: “I was looking at an old picture of us the other day, and I noticed how much weight I have gained. I’m planning to start working out three days a week. Would you be interested in joining me?”

Most of the scripts seem straightforward, but one raised the ire of Pollan’s editor. “She hated the script for breaking off a relationship. She thought it was too cruel,” said Pollan, who recommends that you tell the other person that you don’t have the time or desire to maintain what he calls “a very draining and high-maintenance relationship.”

But Pollan says that’s often the truth. “A lot of people have relationships that are too draining. You can’t let that drag on forever.”

Of course, simply following the script doesn’t guarantee success.

Every script includes other points to be considered, such as your attitude, what you need to have prepared (whether it’s how much you can pay back on a loan each month or writing down your story before calling a bureaucrat), your behavior and, of course, timing.

Timing is particularly critical.

If you’re going to ask the boss for something, you need his or her undivided attention. It’s rare that you’ll get that on a Monday, when he’s trying to catch up on the work left from Friday - or on a Friday, when he’s thinking about the weekend.

Also, the environment must be right. If you plan to talk to your spouse about losing weight, hold the conversation in a place where you won’t be interrupted. A restaurant - where a waiter will pop up at the table frequently - wouldn’t work well, Pollan notes.

Above all, the scripts help you to do the most important thing: keep the conversation on track.

“Too often we banter. We meander. We hedge. We don’t like to make people angry,” Pollan said. “But what you really want to do is create clear-cut communication with everybody - whether it’s a boss, a spouse or a client.”