Delight Or Duty? It Just Depends

Dear Ann Landers: May I respond to that deluded husband who believes sex is part of a woman’s marital duties? He felt his wife should treat sex the same as any other obligation that helps keep the household running smoothly. As he so nicely put it, “I don’t want to get up Saturday morning and clean the storm drains, but I do it anyway.”

I was married to an animal like that for 12 years. Fortunately, I was required to “perform” only once a week. I had no interest in sex because there was no love in our marriage. Everything was cut and dried.

When my husband passed away, I waited the respectable year and then married a man who sends me over the moon. It was then that I discovered what I had been missing. Sign me - Luckier The Second Time Around

Dear Luckier: Thanks for the testimony. The reader response to that column was overwhelming. More men wrote than women. The percentage was about 60-40, a rare occurrence. What follows is a sampling:

From Oklahoma City: I’m a romantic. I love to hold hands and cuddle. I also enjoy sex, but only when my wife enjoys it, which is rare. I know I’m missing a lot in life, but I’ve made peace with the situation and decided to put my wife’s and children’s interests first. I don’t think I’ll ever regret it.

Montreal, Quebec: Married men who complain about no sex don’t tell you how they have treated their wives for years. A man who freezes a woman out for more than a quarter of a century shouldn’t be surprised when she becomes unresponsive. That’s what my husband did to me. In desperation, I had an affair that lasted 10 years. Those were the happiest years of my life.

Casper, Wyo.: The letter from the man who compared sex with his wife to doing household chores and cleaning the drain pipes made my blood boil. Husbands who aren’t getting enough loving should ask themselves why their wives are no longer interested: When was the last time you brought her flowers or a little gift for no reason? When was the last time you told her you loved her and appreciated all the things she does for you? Think back, and you just might figure out why she isn’t thrilled to have sex.

Beverly, N.J.: Males, by nature, have lustier sexual appetites than females. I am considerate, gentle, loving and tender, and still it hasn’t got me that “shared expression of love” you talk about. Bitter? No. Just disappointed.

Carbondale, Ill.: I am a 32-year-old woman, married 14 years. My husband’s sex drive is stronger than mine. More often than not, I am not in the mood or am just plain tired, but we work out compromises because we love each other. I believe this is the key to a successful marriage.

Amarillo, Texas: We’ve been happily married for 25 years. Recently, my husband had prostate cancer surgery. Our sex life will not be the same, but we are now part of a support group trying to find ways we can continue to enjoy one another to the fullest extent. It’s working.

Wilmington, N.C.: Your advice is lousy. My wife is an icicle. I have tried foreplay, five-play, six-play, forget it. In the middle of everything, she says, “I hope you’re enjoying this. It isn’t doing a darn thing for me.” What now?

This is Ann talking. There will be more tomorrow on this subject. The number of readers who wanted to express themselves was staggering.