Terrible Twos: Tackle Issues One At A Time

Q. We have a 2-year-old, a 10-month-old, and three problems all concerning the older one. First, he still wants a bottle when he’s put to bed. My mother-in-law says we’re spoiling him by caving in to his demand, but if we don’t, it takes him an hour or more and a lot of crying to fall asleep. Second, he still wakes up in the middle of the night. Again, my mother-in-law, says that if we go in and comfort him (and this takes no more than a few minutes), we’re “rewarding” him for waking up. She recommends letting him cry himself back to sleep, no matter how long it takes, but we just don’t feel comfortable with that. Third, he sometimes snatches things away from the baby and sometimes knocks her down in the course of trying to get something from her. Do you have any advice for us?

A. Yes, but first we need to agree that you have four problems, not three, the fourth being your mother-in-law. I’m sure she’s a well-meaning person, but it sounds as if she’s determined to prove she was, and still is, a better mother than you are. Actually, I receive letters from lots of women in similar straits, asking how to stop mother-in-laws from giving advice without hurting her feelings, in which case everyone loses. It sounds as if you’ve been very patient to this point, which is admirable, but if you ever find ourself becoming irritated with Grandma, just take a deep breath and say something along the lines of “You know? I hadn’t considered that. I’ll have to give it a try.” And then, when she’s gone, do what makes you feel comfortable.

The fact is, Grandma is wrong on both counts. My son, Eric, took a bottle to bed with him until he was nearly three. As in your son’s case, to deprive Eric of the bottle would have resulted in great anguish, and by the end of a long day, parents are ready for peace and quiet, not wailing and gnashing of teeth. I’d frown if you were allowing him to drink from a bottle as a matter of course, but a bottle at bedtime is no big deal, and it’s not going to ruin him if you acquiesce to this small “demand.” Your pediatrician will tell you, if he or she already hasn’t, that you should not give milk or sugar-sweetened drinks in bottles to children this age (especially at bedtime), as the combination can contribute to premature tooth decay. But as long as you fill the bottle with water or unsweetened fruit juice, there’s nothing to worry about, least of all the child’s emotional well-being. In due time, this will resolve itself.

And please, when he wakes up in the middle of the night, do yourself and him a big favor by continuing to go in and calm him down. It’s not unusual for a child this age to wake up suddenly in the middle of the night. The experience is probably disorienting and therefore somewhat frightening. Your son is not trying to get attention, control the family, or manipulate his parents - he’s simply scared. All that’s needed is a little TLC and the quicker it comes, the less likely it is he’ll awaken fully, in which case you’ll have the devil to pay getting him back to sleep. For your sake, as well as his, continue doing what you’re doing. Just don’t tell Grandma.

To the matter of knocking the baby down: Where 2-year-olds and baby siblings are concerned, there’s a difference between intentional and unintentional aggression. Some toddlers seem bound and determined to cause their baby brothers and sisters pain. This is relatively serious and has to be dealt with very assertively. (For more on this subject, see my book, “Making the Terrible Twos Terrific!”) The type of aggression you describe, however, is the unintentional, incidental sort. As the baby gets older, the two of them are getting into more and more territorial conflicts over toys, space, etc. The older child’s reactions to the baby’s trespasses are often clumsy and unintentionally hurtful. No big deal. Just calm everyone down, say a few soothing words, and get things back on a peaceful track as quickly as possible. As the children get older and their differences in size and physical ability close, this, too, will resolve itself.

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer