Drive Mr. Wrong’s Stock Down

Dear Miss Manners: I have a dear friend who dated a verbally abusive man for about eight years. She would stop seeing him at times (he had an unfortunate habit of habitually cheating on her), but eventually would wind up back in his arms.

After years of therapy, she has finally broken up with him for good. But although she is attractive, intelligent and has a good job, she never seems to meet the right man. If she meets someone too nice, she gets turned off. She only seems to go wild over the ones who are slightly “out of her league.” These men are usually gone after one or two dates.

What kind of advice, if any, can you give her?

Gentle Reader: None that will work, Miss Manners is sorry to say. Your friend already knows that mean men are bad for her. The problem is that they attract her.

So the only help you might offer is to address that problem - but not by asking her why she is attracted to them, which is an unanswerable question.

Try ignoring that aspect of the situation and - presuming you are a dear friend, on confidential terms where you talk things over frankly - asking her, at the first sign of interest, “Really? You think he’s attractive? Yuck. I don’t see it at all. He’s so… so shifty looking. I can’t believe you think he’s sexy. He has loser written all over him.”

Dear Miss Manners: When I decided to attend graduate school, I applied to several, hoping that at least one would find me competent. Much to my surprise, a university in the northeast with a good reputation and name-recognition has invited me to attend.

Of course I am elated, and I shared the news with a few close friends. Word quickly spread, and I have heard comments ranging from sincere congratulations to “Gee, I didn’t know you were that smart” and “What did you do to get in there?”

I have thanked well-wishers who offered congratulations; however, I have either chuckled or simply not responded to the other comments, not knowing what to say.

Were these people rude, or am I overreacting?

Gentle Reader: No, you’re doing fine. Just keep chuckling hollowly and referring to your school as a University in the Northeast.

People will go on making those remarks, which are silly but not meant to be rude. They have been successfully annoying your schoolfellows this way for 360 years now, so why should they stop?

You are only allowed to retaliate by refusing to pronounce the name of the school, a tradition with which your schoolfellows will be familiar. Miss Manners offers you a sterling example in the following exchange that was reported to her by a lady of her acquaintance.

First Mother: Where’s your son going to college?

Second Mother: In the Northeast.

First Mother: Really? What house is he in?

Dear Miss Manners: My daughter got engaged over the weekend. He gave her the ring over a lovely dinner in a fine restaurant. They do not plan to be married for some time. They both maintain their own apartments.

I, as the mother, would like to know the proper engagement gift to give them. Also, are their friends and family required to do the same?

Gentle Reader: The proper engagement present has already been given. It was the ring.

Miss Manners does not want to discourage you from some maternal outburst of generosity commensurate with their taste and your circumstances, both of which you should know better than she. As there are no traditional engagement presents other than the ring - even that is not strictly necessary - you can give them anything from a dear cottage for them to live in - on your estate, where you can check up on them - to some advice.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate