Guilt? You Bet; Goal Is Best Care

Dear Ann Landers: I’d like to respond to the letter from “Beside Myself in Oregon.” He wanted to bring his elderly mother to live with him, but his wife was against it. He resented his wife’s attitude.

After my father died, my brothers and I knew that my mother would be unable to cope by herself in her big house. Although they discussed modifying their own homes to accommodate Mother, I was very strong in my opposition to this. I told them there was no way Mother could live in my home without destroying my marriage and I suspected the same was true for them. They eventually agreed, and Mother went into a facility where she could get more and more attention as her physical and mental abilities deteriorated.

Guilt? You bet. Every time I visited her, I felt guilty. Did she rub it in? Of course. “How can you make me live in a place like this?” she would ask. But after I left, I knew that this was the best solution for a bad situation. Mother had better care in that facility than my family or I would have been able to provide.

I realize this may not be the best answer for everyone, but it was the best one for us. It was a tough decision, but I have never regretted it. - Tank Town in Calif.

Dear Tank Town: The problem of what to do with elderly parents is one of the most difficult (and often guilt-producing) of our time. People are now living longer, and when Mom or Dad cannot remain in their own home, the decision of how best to care for them must be made.

With so many two-income families, no one is at home to care for an elderly parent. The best solution is often a facility where the elderly can get nutritious meals, medical attention and the companionship of other seniors. And, of course, the children should visit as often as possible and let them know they are not forgotten.

Dear Ann Landers: You printed some very nice letters not long ago, praising the Internal Revenue Service for a job well done. Most Americans are not opposed to paying taxes, Ann. What they don’t appreciate are the tactics used by the IRS to collect taxes that are not actually owed.

Haven’t you heard about IRS agents who harass innocent people? And what about the IRS mistakenly taking people’s property and not offering so much as an apology after they have ruined their lives?

The IRS intimidated me for six years before finally admitting that I owed them nothing. They put a lien on my paycheck and kept my tax returns. Even after admitting they had made a mistake, they still have not returned my money, nor have they apologized for making my life miserable.

If it happened to me, Ann, it could happen to you. Then let’s see what you have to say about our lovely tax system. - Been There in Fresno

Dear Been There: Apparently, a number of readers also have “been there.” Frankly, I was surprised to receive so many letters citing chapter and verse on how people had been mistreated by the IRS. Almost all who wrote said, as you did, that it took forever to get things straightened around, and many are still waiting.

In my opinion, the Internal Revenue Service does pretty well considering the enormity of the job, but when an apology is owed, it should be given as soon as possible, and this goes for the refunds as well. Are you listening, Washington?

Gem of the Day: A father is a person who spends thousands of dollars on his daughter’s wedding and then reads in the paper that he gave her away.