Use Differences To Enhance Relationship

“My husband has walked out on me and our two children,” says Betsy, 28, who’s been married to Mark, her high school sweetheart, for 10 years. “It’s because I blew up at him again I just couldn’t help it.

“When I found the unmailed insurance bills in the glove compartment of the car, I flew into a rage. No wonder our medical insurance had been cut off again.”

Betsy claims she can’t trust Mark to do anything.

Mark works as an entertainer and stand-up comic - which means he’s either out or traveling several nights a week, Betsy adds.

“He was the king of our high school, a real hero - writer, director, the star of every play; champion on the tennis court and track. He won every class office he ran for and was adored by everyone. Back then, I loved his sense of humor, his kind heart and his spontaneity. So why is he so woolly-headed now?

“I hate the person I’ve become,” says Betsy, who concedes she has nagged him for days at a time. “I want my husband to cherish and support me, the way he used to. I have loved Mark since I was 15. But if we can’t see eye to eye on anything, how can we possibly live under the same roof?”

Right now, Mark isn’t sure they ever can.

“Whenever I’m away from Betsy, even overnight, I feel like a lovesick child, and she tells me she feels the same way,” says the 29-year-old. “We talk for hours on the phone, but the minute I get home, we fight. Betsy hounds me about things that I just don’t feel are important. I can’t even relax on a sunny patch of lawn without her complaining that I’m a lazy.”

Mark doesn’t think he can ever change and be the kind of man Betsy seems to want him to be. “I admire her and I love her, but I can’t live with her. We used to be so good for each other. What do you think happened?”

When you can’t live with him or without him

Betsy loved her spouse, but there were many things about him she couldn’t stand. “What initially attracts us can be the very thing that later drives us crazy,” notes Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist.

Compounding the problem for Betsy and Mark is that they have very different temperaments, expectations and ways of viewing the world. If they’re going to learn to live together, they have to find a way to use their differences to balance and enhance their relationship.

Couples who have reached this point have usually fallen into some common traps that can derail even the best marriages, notes Dr. Greer. To make sure you and your partner don’t travel down that same road, here are some rules to observe:

Don’t jump to conclusions about your partner’s feelings or motives. Couples who have been married awhile often assume they can read their partner’s mind. Or they attribute malicious motives to the other partner’s actions - often erroneously. That’s not fair to either partner, because, when a person feels wrongly judged, it damages his self-esteem, and willingness to communicate honestly slips away.

Separate the deed from the doer. Marriage partners need to feel they are still loved, even though they disagree with each other.

Change the way you habitually treat each other. In counseling, Betsy was told her nasty tirades had to stop immediately. Once they did, Mark’s behavior changed, too. What’s more, as she eased up on her long list of demands, he began to pay more attention to the things that needed doing around the house.

Focus on what’s right, not what’s wrong. The counselor suggested the following exercise for Mark and Betsy, which helped them change the way they related to each other:

Imagine your dream marriage. What would your relationship be like? How would the day go? How would you speak to each other? What would you share? How would the evening go if you didn’t fight? If you spoke in an empathetic, instead of accusatory way?

For three days, pretend you are those imaginary dream partners, and see how the changes in your behavior affect your partner. Some of the newest research in cognitive behavioral psychology has shown that feelings and thoughts often follow actions - not the other way around.

In other words, if you change the way you act toward each other, you may very well dramatically alter the way you feel about each other.