Don’t Allow A Gag Order To Rule Family
Q. I’ll bet you’ve never gotten this question before.
Our 3-year-old was premature and had some mild but nonetheless anxiety-provoking developmental problems during infancy and toddlerhood. Those are resolved, but Rollo now throws up whenever he’s upset.
As a consequence, we are hesitant to do anything that might unsettle him and quickly back off of any demand if he begins to gag. His pediatrician assures us that this is not a medical problem and calls it a “stage.” Unfortunately, it seems to be getting worse, and we still don’t know how to handle it. Can you give us some direction?
A. I agree with your pediatrician that your son’s problem is a “stage.” It sounds, in fact, like the two of you have inadvertently provided Rollo with a stage from which he performs the same one-act play every time you rattle him. Your “reviews” of his performance have obviously been consistently receptive; therefore, this particular play is enjoying an extended run.
You’re right, I’ve never heard of this particular eccentricity before, but I’ve enough experience to know that possibility is renewed every time a child comes into the world.
You know Rollo’s gagging and retching is not symptomatic of a medical problem. You know his developmental difficulties are a thing of the past. You are obviously intelligent people - intelligent enough to realize that you are allowing a 3-year-old to control the parent-child relationship. Actually, a 3-year-old isn’t capable of controlling the relationship; therefore, it’s more accurate to say that, since the two of you haven’t taken control, no one is in control.
Rollo has no idea why he gags when he’s upset. In effect, he can’t help it. Your job, therefore, is to take the reins of parenthood and stop this snowball from rolling any farther downhill. If I were capable of transforming myself into the Ghost of Rollo’s Future, I’d show you visions of him as a teen-ager, either seriously depressed or headed for juvenile court. If you think I’m trying to scare you into action, you’re right, because time’s a-wastin’!
My suggestion: Go to the hardware store and purchase a number of plastic buckets equivalent to the number of rooms you have in your house. Put a bucket in each room. Show Rollo the buckets. Tell him that, from now on, it’s perfectly OK for him to gag and throw up when he gets upset with you. When he wants to throw up, he should go to the nearest bucket, bend over it and toss the proverbial cookies.
From that point on, please feel free to upset Rollo as often as necessary to begin acquainting him with Mick Jagger’s Rule: You can’t always get what you want. If you can work yourselves up to an Academy Award-caliber presentation of the bucket stuff and you consistently and matter-of-factly direct him to the nearest bucket when he starts to gag, it shouldn’t take more than a few weeks for Rollo’s retching to stop - at which point, your work will have just begun.