Problem-Solving Turns Into Bickering
“My husband expects me to wait on him hand and foot,” says Judy, 30, mother of Josh, 2, and Adam, 8 months, who also works part time as a speech pathologist at a local clinic.
Judy knows that Scott, a litigator with a large firm, works hard and his hours are long - but she does, too, she adds. “It’s his house and his kids, too. Before we had children, I assumed we’d divide the responsibilities equally.” But that’s not happening, and Judy feels so overwhelmed, she’s snapping at everyone.
“It’s hard to admit that I’m turning into my own mother,” she says, “Mom used to be on edge all the time. She was probably depressed, but back then, I assumed she was mad at me or Dad.”
Especially irritating is Scott’s uncanny ability to tune out the kids, even on those rare occasions when he tells her he’ll watch them. “The other night, I had a splitting headache and needed to take a shower and lie down. The baby was sleeping, but Scott promised he’d keep an eye on Josh,” she recalls. About half an hour later, Judy popped out just to see how things were going, only to discover that Josh had managed to climb up on the back of the sofa and was precariously reaching for the tassels on the drapes nearby.
“My husband’s eyes weren’t on Josh,” she adds, “they were on the computer screen. Josh could have cracked his head open while my husband was engrossed in some stock reports on the Internet!” Why can’t he pay attention to the things that are important to her? She wants to know.
If something doesn’t change soon, Judy’s not so sure she wants to stay married.
“My wife is being her usual, dramatic self,” says Scott, 37. “A problem isn’t just a problem in her eyes, it’s a crisis. She exaggerates everything.”
Scott admits that Judy shoulders most of the home and child-care responsibilities, but he doesn’t believe that’s the least bit unreasonable. “I’m the one working ridiculous hours,” he says. “She’s only working part time.”
But Scott finds his wife’s attitude toward him particularly offensive. “Of course I ‘respect’ her, he says choosing his words carefully. “This has nothing to do with respect. I just see things very differently than she does.”
Judy’s treatment of him now, Scott says, makes him feel like a criminal who’s been accused and convicted without the benefit of fair trial.
Five obstacles to successful negotiating
“In the best of all possible worlds, solving problems like the kind Judy and Scott are wrestling with would be painless,” says Marc Snowman, M.S.W., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. “But most of us - especially those who grew up in homes where bickering and blame took precedence over real negotiating - unconsciously get caught in cycles of behavior that sabotage effective problem-solving.”
While communication can break down for many reasons, five culprits are particularly toxic. If you and your partner often find that any attempt to resolve differences dissolves into bickering, try to eliminate the following, like Judy and Scott did:
1. DENIAL. Women are especially vulnerable to this communication zapper. Instead of admitting to themselves or their spouse that they are unhappy, they rationalize or ignore it, or assume that the problem must really be their fault anyway. Instead: Trust your instincts, and admit that something is bothering you.
2. MAXIMIZING. No matter what your partner says, you find a way to undercut or trivialize it. When you say, “How could you think that?”or “That’s ridiculous!” or “You’re too sensitive,” you invalidate your partner’s perceptions or feelings. Instead, be respectful of another’s view or response.
3. ESCALATION: This happens when you begin an argument about a minor point, and 10 minutes later, you’re still at it. Next time this happens, call a time out, cool off and figure out what you’re really upset about.
4. GLOBALIZING: In your conversations, sentences often begin with “You always” or “You never. …” From now on, explain how something your partner says or does makes you feel, offer a solution that makes sense to you, and suggest discussing it.
5. KITCHEN SINKING: Instead of sticking to the current problem, you pile on every gripe you can think of. Better: Vow to focus on one issue at a time and don’t dredge up others.