Bride’s Wishes Should Prevail
Dear Ann Landers:I am a gay man who reads your column regularly. Now I need your advice. “Tom” and I are in our 30s and have been partners for six years. “Janet,” Tom’s sister, has invited me to her wedding. Tom’s mother, however, sees this as strictly a family event and has told Tom that she would rather I not attend.
I have always gotten along well with Tom’s family, including his mother, so I am somewhat baffled by this. I suspect she is uncomfortable about explaining me to her family and friends. I am clearly not part of the picture she had planned on for this occasion.
Tom has told his mother her position is unreasonable, selfish and hurtful. He has assured her that we will be discreet and anyone who does not know me will assume that I am just another guy at the wedding. The rest of Tom’s family agrees with us. Tom’s mother, however, insists that her wishes be respected and thinks the family has turned against her. She doesn’t realize that she is causing lasting damage to her relationship with Tom, which until now has been very good.
I would love to attend Janet’s wedding and be part of the celebration, but since his mother has made it known that she doesn’t want me there, I’m not sure I should go. I really don’t want to make her miserable on such an important day. I need your advice. - Gay Son’s Partner in Maryland
Dear Maryland: You have been invited to this wedding by the bride. This is HER day, and her wishes should prevail. By all means, go and be sure to ask Tom’s mother to dance.
Dear Ann Landers: When I read the letter from “Perplexed in Shreveport,” I knew I had to write. She said her husband engaged in a lot of horseplay with his 10-year-old daughter while she was dressed only in a T-shirt and panties and wondered if it was OK.
My parents divorced when I was 4, and my father got custody. Ten days before my seventh birthday, my mother died - suicide or murder, depending on whose story you want to believe.
My father adored his little girl, so much, in fact, that he insisted that I sleep in the same bed with him for many years. He never did anything that could be called sexual abuse, but there was a lot of cuddling, and he kept me very close to him. I believe he was trying to make up for the loss of my mother. I was his “substitute.”
After a disastrous marriage to a control freak, I went for counseling. I am now with my second husband, who is a wonderful man. I was cheated out of my childhood by a father who looked to me for emotional support when he should have been giving it. - Been There in Allen Park, Mich.
Dear Been There: Father-daughter relationships should be loving but not sensual. It can be a fine line. It’s the father’s responsibility to recognize this and honor the boundaries.
I was surprised at the number of readers who were angry with me for suggesting this in my response. Thanks for shoring me up. I needed it.
Dear Ann: You recently gave an address for people who want to have their names removed from junk mail lists. I have a better idea. Whenever I receive catalogs from companies I’m not interested in, I call the catalog’s 800 number and ask them to take my name off their mailing list. This works 99 percent of the time, and they always seem to appreciate the call. - Henderson, N.C.
Dear N.C.: Thanks for the suggestion. I’m passing the word.