The Slice Imitation Farmer Tans Don’t Count

You read it here.

Farmer tans are sexy.

At least they are if you happen to be attracted to hard-working outdoorsy people who have better things to do than sunbathe.

Slice answer: Anna Geyer filled in the blank this way. “Anybody who is afraid of (mentally unbalanced people) has no business moving to the Inland Northwest.”

You know you’re in the West when: That old parental admonition is used the way a Spokane man heard it used in Montana recently.

“Don’t run with that antler, you’ll put your eye out.”

Multiple choice, No. 1: If you were named editor of a new Inland Northwest lifestyles magazine and had to choose from the following names for your publication, which would you select?

1. North Country Basements. 2. Bungalow Bill’s Monthly. 3. Yards & Arms. 4. Better Than Your Boat. 5. Put a Shirt On. 6. Arts ‘n’ Stuff. 7. Underpaid Life. 8. Bitter Beer Face Journal. 9. Mad. 10. High & Dry.

From what we gather: Your friends and relatives in Michigan wouldn’t be impressed with this area’s potholes.

Nobody asked us, but: 1.) Dainty sneezing gets on our nerves. You know, that stifled little “ah-chew” sound that seems like a whimper.

Let it out, for heaven’s sake. Just remember to cover your mouth.

2.) Shorts that are so snug they make you walk as if you’ve had a groin injury are too tight.

3.) Sure, a lot of people do it. But giving toddlers a role in a marriage ceremony is a bad idea. Where did people get the idea that weddings are supposed to be cute?

Multiple choice, No. 2: We’re offering you a choice of 10 adjectives. Your assignment is to pick the one that best describes Spokane.

Spent, perky, cocksure, ticklish, enlightened, stubby, bold, greasy, defensive, limitless.

Warm-up questions: Do you believe crime statistics reflect reality? Is there a uniquely Spokane style of flirting? Is there any vantage in your home from which you can see neighbors in their kitchens cooking in their underwear? Who around here owns the most pairs of sunglasses? Can you still call it “brainstorming” if everybody in the meeting is an idiot?

Today’s Slice question: What should Eastern Washington University and the University of Idaho do to attract more students?

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Drawing

MEMO: The Slice appears Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098. No, it’s not the ‘60s anymore. But the idea of attending a military air show still makes some people uneasy.