Muumuus And Khakis Ideal For Adult Uniforms

Like most adults, I can think of numerous excellent reasons to adopt school uniforms:

Every student would appear equal, regardless of family income.

Students would no longer have to agonize tragically in front of their closets every morning.

Students would no longer have to feel sad and excluded because they don’t have the latest gang colors.

Students who are dressed in a dignified and studious manner will miraculously become dignified and studious.

These are all outstanding reasons, although if I were in school, I would argue against them with every ounce of my being.

Well, young folks, arguing is exactly the wrong way to fight back. I’m here to tell you the right way to defend yourself against uniform-crazy adults: Call their bluff.

That’s right. Don’t get into an argument. Just say, “Yes, uniforms are an excellent idea. We should all be wearing them. When will you be getting yours?”

If uniforms are good for students, they are good for adults for exactly the same reasons.

So I am going to strike a blow against hypocrisy right here and launch a drive for the Mandatory American Uniform Act of 1997. This act will describe exactly the kind of uniform that adults must wear at all times while outside of their homes.

Mandatory American Uniform Act

All adult males must wear standard pants of orange-and-green checkered material (obtained through state-run uniform warehouses or through local golf pro shops). The pants cuff shall be at least 3 inches above the shoetop, and the standard white socks should be visible at all times. The shirt shall be a standard button-down oxford with vertical red stripes. The shoes shall be 100 percent Hush Puppy.

For women, the uniform will be a long, flowered muumuu of standard design (hibiscus) and standard color (pinkish-orange). It shall extend to within 3 inches of the floor, with the standard white socks and Hush Puppies fully visible at all times. Only exceptions: Nuns. They may wear black muumuus.

Special circumstances: There shall be no uniform for swimming. For simplicity’s sake, all swimming shall be nude.

OK, maybe I haven’t hammered out all of the details of the Mandatory American Uniform Act. One glance around the old swimming pool would be enough to convince me that swimming suits are an excellent idea. And maybe we should forget the checks and the muumuus and simply go with khaki trousers and white shirts. But the idea is sound.

With mandatory uniforms, Americans could be free from the tyranny of fashion. Every morning, we could get up and throw on our uniforms without a single agonizing decision regarding plaids and colors.

Then we could go out and greet the day in complete equality, with CEOs dressed precisely like laborers, and lawyers dressed exactly like their drug-addled clients. It would be an absolute nirvana of equality and democracy, or maybe Maoist totalitarianism.

And for those who worry that it would rob Americans of their individuality, I have only one word for you: underwear. People would learn to express themselves through their underwear, which would evolve into a fashion art form of unimaginable proportions. People would develop their own individual underwear styles, and would be all too willing to show their underwear to you at the drop of a hat, or khakis.

Furthermore, I believe this would introduce a new era of civility into American life. With our populace dressed neatly at all times, we would become quieter and more docile, the way people used to be. We’ve all seen those pictures of baseball crowds in 1906, with all of the men dressed identically in white shirts and straw hats. Don’t they look civilized and obedient? (Of course, in actuality they’re all screaming, “Kill the ump!”)

Anyway, youngsters, adults will soon lose their zeal for uniforms if confronted with the prospect themselves. Remember what Mark Twain once said: “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.”

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.