The Slice Up To Speed On The Internet

It’s later than he thinks.

So some guy called D. Marie’s interior decorating store last week, trying to sell advertising on the Internet.

The woman who answered the phone told him that the store wasn’t interested. But the salesman pressed on, warning her that she needed to get in step with the times. “It’s 1995,” he said.

Slice answer: If Jack Austgen suddenly found himself captain of a battleship on one of North Idaho’s big lakes, he would use his power to eliminate any personal watercraft violating his space.

“Sir, the Jet Ski refuses to acknowledge our hail and is still closing.”

“Yes, I can hear it. Do the starboard guns have a lock?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Avert your aim 10 degrees and fire a warning shot.”

“And if there’s no response, sir?”

“Blow it out of the water.”

Exploring the male mind: We spent most of a recent lunch hour lurking near the men’s swimsuits at The Bon Marche downtown. We had one goal. And that was to present you, the Slice reader, with a groundbreaking report on how men shop for bathing trunks.

We’ve all heard about women selecting swimsuits. Merciful heavens, have we ever.

But how do men do it?

Our findings: It would appear that women do most of the shopping for men’s swimsuits, too. So never mind.

When it finally sinks in: Sherri Hyams said it’s time to replace your dishrag when “There are more holes than dishrag.”

“We usually replace it when we can’t catch it anymore,” said L. Vaughn.

And a third reader suggested that you know it’s time to retire your old one when your mother comes for a visit and the first thing she does is buy you a new one.

You need to know that this boy has a little sister named Molly: Quinn Shumaker, 3, was eating some candy he couldn’t identify. So he asked his mom about it. She told him the candy was called “Hot Tamales.”

“Oh,” he said. “Well, they aren’t hot to me.”

Today’s Slice question: Inasmuch as the relative ease of getting from Point A to Point B is one of the best things Spokane has going for it, why do so many people want to live so far out of town that they wind up with semihellacious commutes?

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Drawing

MEMO: The Slice appears Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098. The one sure thing about going to ArtFest is that you will bump into someone you absolutely did not want to see.