Nothing Too Bizarre For Some

Dear Ann Landers: Since you printed some of the crazy lawsuits I’ve mentioned in my feature “Random Nuts” in Graffiti magazine, the response has been incredible. I’ve been getting mail from all over the country about it - and you didn’t even publish the address!

I noticed in a recent column that you also like “stupid crook” stories. Well, lady, you asked for it. Here is a collection of my favorites, culled from three years’ worth of “Random Nuts.” (You might let your readers know that they can access “Random Nuts” on the Internet at: www.graffiti-wv.com). - John Wehrle, Graffiti magazine

Dear John Wehrle: Thanks for sending these on. They cracked me up. Here goes:

A Florida man on trial for burglary said a sudden case of diabetes caused him to break into a Boca Raton home. The accused’s lawyer asked for clemency, saying his client was driven insane by eating a bag of cotton candy and shouldn’t be held responsible for the crime. He offered no explanation, however, for the numerous robberies his client had been convicted of previously.

A burglar in New Jersey stuck a piece of paper in the lock at an office building so he could sneak in later and rob it. The suspect was tracked down after police found the paper. It was a parking ticket with the man’s name and address on it.

Police called to the scene of a holdup at a convenience store in Cocoa Beach, Fla., were confronted by an armed male wearing black spandex shorts and a yellow bra. It took several minutes for the thief to be captured because the officers couldn’t stop laughing long enough to arrest him.

Police in Pennsylvania interrogated a suspect by placing a kitchen colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a Xerox machine. A piece of paper with the words, “He’s lying,” was placed in the copier. After the suspect responded to each question, the officers would press the “copy” button, and the words, “He’s lying,” would print out. The suspect figured the “lie detector” had the goods on him, so he confessed.

Two Argentine men were arrested after they tried to escape on a motor scooter with a stolen toilet. The pair had gone to a fast-food restaurant in Buenos Aires and asked to use the bathroom. They then yanked the toilet out and ran off with it. The police said it was “unclear” why the men wanted the toilet.

Police in Wichita, Kan., arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.

A thief stole a van in Chicago without realizing that its owner was sitting on the roof. The owner managed to hang onto the top of the car during a ride on the interstate at speeds of up to 65 miles an hour. When the thief pulled over and got out of the car, the owner jumped on him and held him down until the police arrived.

In Virginia, a bank robber was nabbed because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. He was collared after he tried to deposit some of the loot into the same bank he had held up a month earlier. He was recognized because the same teller waited on him both times.

At a Topeka, Kan., convenience store, a robber who discovered there wasn’t very much money in the cash register tied up the clerk and waited on customers for three hours in order to increase his take.

Dear Readers: Who was it who said, “There is nothing so bizarre or ridiculous that somebody, somewhere, won’t do it”?