Amanda’s Privileges Are The Key
Q. Our 7-year-old daughter won’t dress herself on school mornings. After we wake her up, Amanda goes into a “limp dishrag” routine. I usually dress her while her daddy fixes her breakfast. This has been going on since kindergarten. I know you’re going to tell us to stop doing this, but we both work, and we can’t just leave her home alone. Help!
A. Actually, I’m not going to tell you to stop dressing Amanda on school mornings. As you already realize, if you simply stop, she will still be in her pajamas when it’s time for you to leave the house.
That would present two options: You could either (a) take her and a set of suitable clothes to school and deposit both in the principal’s office, or (b) go to work, leaving her at home alone. If you choose (b), you’ll end up charged with child neglect and Amanda will spend time in foster care while you’re “rehabilitated.” Don’t go there.
Packing her and her clothes in the car and setting off for school isn’t a bad idea. The likelihood is, the thought of having to get out of the car in her pajamas with the world watching will result in Amanda being miraculously clothed by the time you turn into the school grounds.
On the other hand, she may not care. In that case, you’ll have to leave her in the principal’s office where she’ll get a lot of attention - which she may enjoy - and the problem will simply be transferred to the school secretary or the school nurse or whoever’s available for such duty in the morning. Because there’s no way of knowing how Amanda’s going to respond to this, I wouldn’t even try it.
As you might imagine, you’re not the first parents to present me with this problem. In my experience, the “patient” usually is female and a disproportionate number are only-children.
Not cooperating in getting dressed positions the child at the center of attention in the family from the moment the day begins. But I’m not suggesting that Amanda is “manipulating” you, because that implies prior intent.
In fact, she’s as caught up in this soap opera as you are. As long as she’s able to cause turmoil on school mornings, the problem will continue. Eventually, a new problem will take its place.
As it stands, Amanda orchestrates the soap opera and you pay the price, in terms of both emotional stress and inconvenience. You need to assign the “cost” of this problem to Amanda.
From now on, wake her up and give her a reasonable amount of time to get dressed, during which you do nothing either to help or prompt her. You might even set a timer. If she’s not completely dressed when her time’s up, go ahead and dress her, and do so in a relaxed “devil may care” manner.
The rule: If you have to help her get dressed to leave the house on time, Amanda has no after-school privileges. She can’t go outside, have a friend over or watch television, and (!) she has to go to bed one hour early because she’s obviously not getting enough sleep (or so you tell her).
Lost privileges should include after-school activities that are purely recreational, such as soccer. If you have to help her get dressed more than two mornings in a school week, she loses all privileges on the weekend as well.
Your attitude must be, “We don’t care if you dress yourself in the morning or not. If you’re willing to do without your privileges, we’re willing to dress you.” This puts the problem squarely on Amanda’s shoulders.
A combination of nonchalance and consistency should turn things around within a couple of weeks.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer