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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Set Money Rules To Avoid Problems

Los Angeles Times Syndicate

“My husband is such a tightwad,” says 33-year-old Ina.

“We have more than enough money to live a normal life and enjoy ourselves, yet Joe is so stingy he squeezes the fun out of marriage.”

Every week since Ina and Joe married four years ago she has, at his insistence, handed over her paycheck from the marketing company where she works, and he has doled out a weekly allowance to her.

Joe, who works for his Uncle Alvin’s real-estate investment company, has made some very astute moves, and, to Ina, his penny-pinching now seems ludicrous.

Furthermore, says Ina, “Even though I recently received a generous raise, Joe keeps our living expenses to rock bottom.”

Not only does she want Joe to loosen the purse strings, she also feels she’s entitled to some say in managing their finances. “I was a business major in college,” she adds, “yet Joe keeps everything related to money a deep dark secret and treats me like a financial moron.”

Disagreements over finances have spawned countless fights, Ina says.

“All I want is a nice home and a little pleasure while I’m young enough to enjoy myself. I want some pretty clothes and to be able to give modest gifts to my relatives and friends without feeling guilty.”

Joe, 36, is livid. “Ina wants to have her cake and eat it,” he snaps. “She wants plush living now and comfort and security in the future. Well, she can’t have it both ways.”

“I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I’m smart enough to know that at any moment the tide can change.” “Before our marriage, we discussed in detail my plans for us. Ina agreed to abide by the terms of our budget, yet she’s done nothing but fritter away our hard-earned money, buying gifts for her mother and sisters and then hiding the bills from me.”

Joe doesn’t want a divorce, but he certainly had hoped for a calmer marriage. “I’ve tried to get her to understand my point of view, but we’re just not speaking the same language.”

How to talk, not fight, about money

“At first, Joe was so stubborn and selfish that he was unwilling to give an inch toward understanding Ina’s point of view,” notes Paul Moschetta, a marriage therapist in New York City. “The turning point came during their second counseling session, when Ina turned to him and said that unless he changes, she was going to file for divorce.”

Joe realized that he was far more dependent on his wife than he wanted to admit - to her or to himself. Joe took a hard look at his meticulously kept accounting books and realized, that he wasn’t in as dire financial straits as he imagined, and he made some drastic changes.

He agreed that if Ina put some money in savings, she could spend the rest of her salary as she pleased, without having to report every purchase to him. He stopped tracking her spending and soon realized that his wife was far more sensible about money than he had thought.

Most important, Joe has begun to talk, shop with Ina and explain his investment strategies; he was impressed by her astute comments. Meanwhile, Ina is so delighted by her husband’s trust that she is less resistant to his efforts to save.

What can you learn from Ina’s and Joe’s mistakes? Clearly, an inability to agree on financial matters is one of the main reasons couples seek marriage counseling. To avoid problems, institute a few money rules.

Make money decisions together. Ina made a mistake common to brides: She initially left money matters up to her husband and then bitterly resented it. Share or alternate paying bills and balancing the checkbook.

Acknowledge your differences. When people marry, they bring with them different backgrounds and ways of thinking about money. Your personal money history and the experiences you had growing up affect the way you feel about money now.

Outline a plan for action. Make a monthly budget you can both live with and decide on daily actions you can take to support your common goals.

Choose a time to discuss money.

Keep calm when conflicts arise. Make sure neither of you resorts to destructive behavior. If you truly can’t resolve a money crisis by yourselves, consult a professional financial counselor or an accountant who can help you revise your budget or enhance your savings.