Please, stay away until he lets you know
Dear Annie: I am a female graduate student who also teaches at the university. Although I try to keep a professional relationship with my students, I recently engaged in some behavior that has me worried.
Two years ago, I had a male student in my class who, on the last day of the semester, contacted me via e-mail. Since grades were already submitted, I found nothing wrong with chatting online with “Eliot.” However, after one very lengthy discussion, he began making advances. Although flattered, I knew Eliot was married, so I brushed it off. He continued to flirt, and I admit that I did flirt back at times.
Eliot hinted that he wanted an intimate relationship, and I kept putting him off, but one night it just happened and we slept together. Our flirting continued, and, I’m ashamed to say, we hooked up again a few months later.
When I returned from a recent vacation, Eliot informed me that he and his wife have separated. I offered my support, but he hasn’t written since. I don’t want to be the reason his marriage is destroyed, but I care about Eliot and want him in my life. I know my actions are wrong, but I am hurt that I haven’t heard from him in over two weeks. Should I call or e-mail him? – Psyched Out
Dear Psyched Out: Please don’t do either. If you don’t want to be accused of killing a marriage, stay away from the corpse. Leave Eliot alone until he is free to pursue you. If he wants a relationship, he will let you know.
Dear Annie: You printed a letter from “Scared to Death,” whose husband, “Chet,” liked incest porn. She asked if it meant he would have incestuous relations with their own children if they have any. Annie, incest porn is child pornography. The mere possession of it is a federal crime. Chet probably is a pedophile.
You should have told her to call the FBI and get rid of the bum. Forget about having children with him, even after counseling. He’s not worth the risk. – Former Cop in Connecticut
Dear Former Cop: We agree that Chet is creepy, but we aren’t married to him. We highly doubt “Scared” would be willing to call the FBI on someone she loves.
Talking to Chet’s counselor and contacting Parents Anonymous seemed like the best way for her to reach a decision she could accept. We hope she does it soon.
Dear Annie: Since your column is globally syndicated, I thought it would be the most effective method of starting a new practice.
Most people know that in the 1970s, the title “Ms.” was introduced so women could be addressed without identifying their marital status. But proper etiquette still holds that formal address refers to a married couple as “Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith,” and everything from invitations to newspapers continues to adhere to that practice. The woman’s name is completely eliminated. She becomes Mrs. Husband’s Name.
As a newly married woman, it was hard enough to change my last name, but now I’ve lost my first as well. Would it be so wrong to write “Mr. and Mrs. Joe and Jane Smith”? Or create a couples’ courtesy title, such as “Mrrs. Joe and Jane Smith”?
I love my husband. I like his name on him, and I like my name on me. I’d bet a lot of women agree, and it’s time we did something about it. – Mrs. My Own Name
Dear Mrs. You: The etiquette rule simply makes things less complicated, but we understand your point. “Mrrs.” reminds us of Riot Grrls, so we’re not crazy about that as a suitable substitute, but we see no reason why an invitation cannot be addressed to “Joe and Jane Smith” with no titles at all. Of course, female doctors like to use their professional titles (even for social events), and therein lies a different problem.
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