‘Quality of life’ nothing if not for give, take
Carolyn: My wife and I had a daughter three months ago, and love her dearly. My wife’s maternity leave will be up soon, and she is leaning strongly toward not going back to work. We discussed this before we married, before we tried to conceive, and again while she was pregnant, since I very emphatically do not wish to be the only breadwinner. We could make it on my salary, but it would involve a substantial drop in our quality of life, and possibly significant risks to our financial health (no college fund, and very little retirement savings, for example).
Moreover, while I love my wife very much, I am having a hard time not seeing this as a betrayal. She knew how strongly I felt about this issue. When I try to bring it up, she tells me I don’t understand how it feels to be a mother. Well, I understand how it feels to be a parent. I grew up on the financial edge, and I don’t want that for my children. – Va.
The best thing for your baby is a balance of emotional and financial security.
The best thing for your marriage is a balanced respect for each other’s needing to provide emotional and financial security.
Neat coincidence, there, isn’t it.
In practical terms – you grew up on the edge, but, to get college money, would you have traded most of your time with your mom?
This is not to make every working mother within two feet of this page feel like bleep. (Since she probably already does, from one guilt source or another.) It’s to make you start thinking about real, realistic trades you’d be willing to make to ensure your daughter’s well-being.
And, more important, to stop stop stop dwelling on betrayals and maternal yearnings and childhood ghosts and other nobody-understands-me wailings. Both of you, please – stash the emotional scorecards. Preferably in the fireplace.
No amount of money will buy you “quality of life” if your relationships aren’t working, and they aren’t working if you’re neither understanding nor understood.
So. Listen to, respect and try to accommodate the other’s viewpoint (viewpoint now, not viewpoint before, since it is what it is. Epiphanies happen).
It’s not a mark of defeat for either of you if you create a budget, and she discusses her options with her supervisor, and you both meet with a financial planner. Hit the Internet for bean-centric recipes.
You can do this. In fact, I think you’ll both find you’ve cleared the only substantial hurdle once you get over yourselves.
Hey, Carolyn: When an ex is asking for a second chance, how do you know when you’re being “unhealthy” by giving it to him? He was one of my best friends, but I ended it because he repeatedly dealt with stress through meanness and pouting (and I didn’t stand up for myself, for various reasons). He’s returned, seemingly contrite; am I necessarily an idiot for considering Round 2? – Anonymous
No, idiocy is optional here. If your feelings are genuine and his contrition seems genuine, then Round 2 might even be good for you.
Idiocy takes a bow when you mistake that contrition for actual change. It’s a promise of change, and no more; either he’s true to his word, or you’re out.