What you both did is not ‘legit’

Hi Carolyn: About six weeks ago I met a guy. He has a girlfriend. Their relationship is long-distance and on the rocks. After a month as friends, finding all kinds of wonderful connectivity, we slept together. Guilt and confusion ensued, and in the end he said he wanted to keep seeing me, but not sleep together, while he figured out what to do. He doesn’t want to break up with his girlfriend FOR me, but rather wants to be sure that breaking up is the right thing to do, regardless of his feelings for me.

I agreed to keep seeing him, but I am uncomfortable and question his ethics (and mine, too, for staying in this). He cheated, and what we’re doing now is still cheating, in my opinion. He essentially acts as if he’s my boyfriend, even in front of my friends, which include a few of his co-workers. This is confusing and dishonest toward his girlfriend, who doesn’t know about me.

My friends and mom say it’s legit for him to behave like this, that people often are confused at the end of a relationship and this doesn’t mean he’s fundamentally dishonest, that I should give him more time. But – despite how much I like him – I have serious doubts about him and this. So, give me your common-sense, kick-me wisdom, please: Is there any way this can work out? Or should I just run far away? – The Other Woman in NYC

“Kick me”? You’re trying to get on my good side.

But I’m still going to point out that it’s not good form to decry the evils of bank robbery from behind the wheel of the getaway car.

He’s more wrong than you are, but you are both wrong and not at all “legit.” If you’re going to run from something, make it from your own complicity and, for judging him, hypocrisy.

I do agree with your mom and friends, though, that an episode like this doesn’t mean either of you is – or isn’t – fundamentally dishonest; when people are torn, the first question they ask themselves is, “Can I have both?” When the answer’s no, the next question is, “How long can I stall before choosing?” So you and he could just be painfully human.

If he’s not pained by this, though, assume he’ll do it to you. He is pretty brazen. In fact, he could be professing “guilt and confusion” just to play you.

Either way, he’s lying to someone he loves, with your help. You both still have time to redeem yourselves, but not much. If he doesn’t resolve this mess quickly, that’s a deal-breaker. And if you don’t immediately stop making yourself available to be his secret semigirlfriend, you lose any standing to judge.