Have talk about alcohol

Dear Annie: I am writing to you about the underage drinking laws. My husband and I are dealing with parents who allow teens, including mine, to drink in their homes. Some of these parents drink with them.

How are we expected to raise our children when the parents of their friends undermine us? These parents do not have our permission to let our kids drink.

The most important thing is our children’s safety and well-being. If these parents and teens are caught, what will the law do to them? We’ve tried to explain our position, but the parents think we’re nuts. Maybe if they hear it from someone else, they will think twice. – Concerned for Everyone Involved in Pennsylvania

Dear Concerned: According to Pennsylvania law, it is a criminal offense for parents to provide liquor to an underage teen. In addition, the parents can be held liable if any of those teenagers get into an accident on the way home.

If teens are determined to drink, they will find a way. Your best bet is to talk honestly to your children about alcohol, explaining what it can do to their brains and bodies, and why you don’t want them to drink even though you recognize the allure. You need to be able to trust them, and they need to know they can talk to you about this without risking your anger.

Dear Annie: I was glad to see the letter from “Heartsick Mother,” who was worried about her overweight daughter who had no dates, but you commended her for not saying anything about her daughter’s weight. That was really disappointing.

I lose sleep about my grown daughter. I try not to bring up her weight often, but would I sit by and do nothing if I knew she was maxing out credit cards or abusing drugs? The consequences for her long-term health, not to mention her happiness, are at stake. I love her. What mother can do nothing?

I need some way to help my daughter. I am willing to do anything. Please don’t tell me to keep quiet. – Another Heartsick Mother

Dear Heartsick: What if we told you that every time you mention her size, your daughter reaches for a bag of chips as comfort food? Do you still think it helps her? It helps you, because it makes you feel you are “doing something.”

She must want to lose the weight for herself, and we hope she will, but there’s no way you – especially you – can make that happen. Parents often add too much emotional baggage to these conflicts. What you can do is accept her as she is, love her as she is, make sure she knows how much you respect her intelligence, admire her competence, find her inner strength beautiful – whatever you can say that tells her she is valued and loved, just the way she is.