Holiday viewed differently by each of you

Wed., Dec. 6, 2006

Carolyn Hax The Spokesman-Review

Dear Carolyn: So, future husband has a longstanding tradition of attending a football game on Thanksgiving Day in another city with a couple of his buddies, and he did this again this year. He is not close to anybody in his (disastrously dysfunctional) family, and rarely sees them. I, however, am close to mine and always see them on Thanksgiving. Starting next year, I’ll be attending the game with him, and my assumption had been that from then on, I would attend all future Thanksgiving games. However, he feels he should be able to bring a guy friend to the game every other year instead of me. Am I being unreasonable? I guess this is one of those cases where I had assumed that when we were married, we would spend Thanksgiving together every year, but the problem is, I feel spending it at the football game with him (instead of our both spending it with my family) is the compromise, whereas he feels that spending alternate Thanksgivings at the game with me is the compromise. Can you offer any perspective? – Washington

You’re a product of a happy family and so you see Thanksgiving as an affirmation of family.

He’s an escapee of an unhappy family and so he sees Thanksgiving as an affirmation of self.

OK so far?

Together, you’re about to create what you hope to be a happy family, and so you’re thinking (name your holiday here) should be an affirmation of each other. That’s why his idea of compromise hurts.

It’s understandable, but a guy who doesn’t make an automatic connection between holiday and family might not understand that. And, likewise, a woman who makes an automatic connection between holiday and family might not understand that a day with the guys can be his idea of family, no less precious than yours.

So: Get up, stretch and go have this conversation with him. It will be your ability, both of you, to identify, articulate and stand up for your own needs, while also providing – no, wanting to provide – for each other’s, that makes for a happy new family. Not who eats what bird with whom.