Keeping secret deprives son chance to help

Carolyn: I’m wondering whether honesty, which I highly value, is the best policy in my situation. “Drew” and I are in our mid-20s and have been together five years, living together for two. It’s a healthy relationship, and we plan on the whole “forever” thing.

During a casual conversation, his mother started spilling her guts to me that Drew’s father has been cheating on her. We’re talking years of affairs. Some of the women are still so-called “friends of the family,” though I now know better. Drew’s parents were one of the few examples in my life of a strong, loving marriage. (My own parents’ is a wreck.) Not only has that illusion been shattered, but now I’m carrying around a pretty damn big secret. She didn’t really say, “Don’t tell him.” What she did say was, “I don’t think Drew knows, and I don’t see why he should.”

So … should he? Keeping this to myself just feels wrong. I’ve been carrying this around for over a month, and now I’m wondering if that’s somehow too long, and now I’m condemned to carry this to my grave. – Torn in Texas

Thanks, Ma!

As awful as it was for her to put you (and her son) in this position, though, I do sympathize with her. That’s a lot to endure alone, even for someone who has apparently made the choice to endure.

So that’s why I don’t think the answer is so simple as telling your boyfriend the truth. For one thing, she did (kind of) ask you not to, and she does (kind of) have a point. His knowing seems almost gratuitous.

What he loses by not knowing, on the other hand, is significant. He loses a mate who can be open and unguarded in his presence. That’s huge.

He also loses a chance to help his mom, and to make sense of his parents, his home and himself.

To give proper weight to both sides, the only solution I can see is to go back to the mom to raise these issues with her. Explain that keeping a secret from your boyfriend about his own family feels wrong to you.

If she refuses to talk to her son, you will still have the recourse of telling him yourself – but she’s less likely to refuse if you discuss your concerns with her, vs. dropping “you tell or I will” in her lap.

There’s still time to defuse this bomb. If it’s done right, you may yet see an example – or three – of “strong, loving” relationships.

Hi, Carolyn: I’m thinking about having kids at some point, but I don’t have a lot of child-raising experience. I am an only child with no baby-sitting jobs, friends with kids, etc. Do you know good ways to develop these skills? I’m reluctant to jump into a supervisory role without prior experience. – Washington

There is no prior experience, unless people’s baby-sitting jobs keep them up all night, make them feel inadequate, pay nothing and last for the rest of their lives.

You could volunteer to work with children, or, since you’re talking “at some point,” you could wait for friends to start having kids. Ultimately, though, we all go with the tried-and-true: Hold breath, cover eyes, jump.