Pain of infidelity lingers in or out of spotlight

It has become a familiar sight at the political podium – the elected official confessing his transgressions, the supportive wife at his side. But take away the media spotlight, and the infidelity issues that high-profile couples face mirror those of couples in the private sector, family therapists say.

The sight of Wendy Vitter standing resolutely with Sen. David Vitter, R-La., as he addressed his association with a Washington, D.C., madam may have resonated so strongly because so many people could relate to it.

Recent surveys have estimated that as many as six in 10 married couples have had at least one unfaithful partner. That kind of data suggests that many people watching this public soap opera unfold may not have been making value judgments so much as “agonizing over their own infidelity issues,” Yale University psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring said.

“Many people aren’t judging others; they are thinking about themselves,” says Spring, who wrote “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful” as a handbook for both parties of a marriage damaged by infidelity. “Often what (a public confession of a sexual scandal) stirs up is not a fascination or condemnation of those in the spotlight, but rather people facing their own fears, their own experiences, their own insecurities.”

Political fallout aside, the agonies of infidelity are universal: the humiliation of having one’s private life exposed; the fear that infidelity will happen again; the loss of trust that takes years to restore.

The “united front” that a political couple present for the cameras is the same as the stiff upper lip worn by a couple who decide to work through the damage of infidelity, licensed marriage and family therapist Peggy Demarest says.

“If a couple has chosen to stay together (after one has strayed), they present a front with family and friends,” says Demarest, of New Orleans. “They put on a good front and defend their decision.”

The political fallout elected officials experience is akin to the backlash of mixed opinions faced by couples struggling to put their lives back together.

“It’s especially hard for the hurt party, who is still making the decision,” Demarest says. “That person is still getting advice from loved ones, perhaps wishing he or she hadn’t shared some of the details with them. The decision is constantly being questioned.”

And then there are the flashbacks, reminders of the tryst or affair that appear without warning. An investigative news story may be the ultimate flashback, but hurtful memories are there for any low-profile spouse trying to rebuild trust.

“Flashbacks can go on for years and years,” Demarest says. “But that is true of any trauma in our lives.”

Another major obstacle couples encounter when working through infidelity is the concern that the betrayal could happen again.

“There is the fear of being made a fool of again,” says Demarest, something she says is exacerbated for those in the public eye, but not reserved for them.

Marriage and family therapist Adrian Blow, a professor at Michigan State University, says that the couples who bounce back the fastest are those that have “quick and total disclosure” about the nature of the transgressions.

“If all is on the table,” Blow said, “and the couple is open and honest about the issue, they can weather the storm.”

Even then, healing is a lengthy process.

“People need to understand,” Spring says, “that it takes a good year and a half after the affair has been revealed and contact with the object of that affair has been terminated for the anguish and the anger to subside. During that time, the couple has to expect a roller coaster ride of emotions. There will be times when one or both parties will be utterly convinced there is no hope of restoring the marriage. This is typical, even with couples who are successful in rebuilding. That knowledge can help them rebuild.”

Infidelity floods the wronged party with an onslaught of emotions beyond anger and hurt, says Michael Vincent Miller, New York marriage and family therapist and author of “Intimate Terrorism: The Crisis of Love in an Age of Disillusion.”

“Disillusionment and disappointment are hard struggles in every marriage,” Miller says. “Every marriage has to struggle with discovering that sense of imperfection in the ideal figure one fell in love with and had a dream with. Betrayal adds another dimension – you are not who I thought you were.”

Countless marriages survive infidelity, but a full recovery, Spring says, “requires as much from the offender as it does the hurt party.”

A sincere apology is the obvious first step. The second step is more difficult: The person who had the indiscretion “must bear witness to the pain they caused, listening with an open heart and empathizing with the pain they caused their partner,” Spring says. “Listening is one of the most powerful measures an offender can take.”

Both parties, often with the help of a therapist, must come to understand why the affair took place – “what it says about the hurt partner, the unfaithful partner and the marriage,” as Spring puts it. “If perhaps one partner is overly critical, such a shortcoming would not be the cause of the affair, but perhaps has contributed to creating space between the couple.”

Couples should determine how that vulnerability came about, how a third person was allowed to come into the marriage. The offender, she says, must learn to answer questions without saying, “I don’t know.” Not knowing, says Spring, only leaves the hurt party feeling that without this knowledge, infidelity could happen again.

The final stage of recovery involves working to earn back trust through concrete gestures and behaviors. If the infidelity, for instance, included e-mail correspondence, then it would be up to the offender to give the hurt party passwords, codes and statements to personal communications devices.

“There has to be a willingness to provide concrete evidence of trustworthiness,” says Spring.

For couples truly working to restore trust in a marriage that has been damaged by infidelity, Spring says, “This isn’t about ‘trust-me-honey.’ It’s about concrete measures to rebuild trust.”