Carolyn Hax: Talk it through to satisfying end

Dear Carolyn: What should I make of a long-term relationship that seems promising, but ends abruptly before we’ve had a chance to talk things through? I’ve tried approaching her about reconsidering it, but she’s dug in her heels. Should I keep pursuing, or walk away knowing I’m better off without her anyway? – D.C.

If she won’t talk things through, then she already made the “walk away” decision for you.

And not to pile on, but “knowing I’m better off without her anyway,” even when it’s true, doesn’t work if you don’t really feel it – and if you really felt it, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

When someone lingers in your forebrain like this, it usually means you remain unconvinced that things should have come to an end, which means you need to talk through it. Since she won’t cooperate by either explaining herself or taking you back, the talk has to be with yourself.

It’s easier than you think. People don’t abruptly bail out of long-term relationships; in my experience, at least, there’s almost always a trail of breadcrumbs marking their path out the door.

It sounds like you didn’t see the breadcrumbs, which is also normal. But look for them now: Was she one to withdraw when upset? Was she a little erratic, or a lot secretive, or often on the defensive? Would you describe her mind-set as black-and-white, “us vs. them”? Was she “the jealous type”? Did she see herself as a victim, at work, in traffic, among friends, in your fights? Had she been different lately, preoccupied, distant, short-tempered?

Was she dismissive of your feelings, but protective of hers?

These are all indicators of people who refuse to allow their beliefs to be challenged – not for anyone, not even to grant you some peace.

I’m hoping this is the point where you actually start to believe you’re better off without her.

That is, unless she’s better off without you: If she in fact talked herself blue before leaving, and it wasn’t until she was gone that you declared yourself ready to listen, then look for yourself in the above list. She may have “dug in her heels” because she’s through re-making her point.