Stale treats from husband’s mom not appreciated

Dear Miss Manners: Every Christmas, my mother-in-law sends my husband and me a huge box in the mail. The gift box contains gifts of cookies and brownies that are home-baked, greasy, extremely sweet and stale (due to the long time it takes the package to arrive from my husband’s hometown to our city). She also puts in generic brand deodorant, shampoos, conditioners and bodywash.

My husband and I are health conscious and do not like the stale sweets. We also do not use the generic store-brand toiletries, as we have our preferred brands.

I wonder what would be a good way to communicate this to my mother-in-law. I know this is her way of showing love to her kids and that she put a lot of time and effort into preparing these packages. She is also an extremely sensitive person who cries frequently (at least two times a week) at the slightest stress.

Gentle Reader: So you think she would take it in stride if you told her that the treats she has been lovingly and laboriously making all these years are offensive?

The very thought of such cruelty drives Miss Manners to tears, and she is by no means fragile.

A good way to communicate to your mother-in-law would be to thank her profusely for her efforts, and not let her know that you consider them the opportunity to pass things on to those who will appreciate them.

Dear Miss Manners: You have addressed the issue of those who prefer cash/checks as gifts instead of things they “don’t want/need” or “aren’t to their taste,” but I have the opposite problem. My mother and father each send me checks for birthdays and holidays, saying, “We don’t know your taste.”

I have searched myself for evidence of ungratefulness, but I do display enthusiasm on occasions when I receive a gift, whether it matches my exact tastes or not. I have even tried telling them (nicely!) that it would mean more to me to receive something they selected with me in mind, even if it isn’t exactly what I would have chosen for myself, but to no avail.

You have noted that etiquette arguments are usually about underlying emotional difficulties rather than the etiquette question itself. This definitely applies to my question today.

I wouldn’t mind their when-you-come-right-down- to-it generous and, in fact, optional gifts if it didn’t represent for me their detachment from me in general. Which I find very painful. And which I suspect affects my ability to form close relationships, both romantic ones and even now with friends. While this is a little out of your purview, I wonder if there is some way for me to accept the state of my relationships with each parent, to appreciate what they are able to give me, to mitigate the distress over what they are not able to give me, and to build relationships with others that have more, does it make sense to say, “spiritual etiquette”?

Gentle Reader: No doubt you expect Miss Manners, who has so consistently and thoroughly opposed the substitution of payment for presents, to support your grievance.

But as you rightly observe, this problem is not about etiquette. If it were, there would be a simple answer. This is that what your parents are doing is commonplace today, not obviously intended to hurt, and it behooves you to accept their limitations as graciously as you do their checks.

And while it is indeed out of Miss Manners’ purview to deal with the psychological subtext, she would think that behaving as if you accepted their etiquette lapse would go a long way toward making you feel unhampered by them in your pursuit of other relationships.