Elder Maze: New column to explore the journeys of growing old and coping

Editor’s note: This is the first installment of a biweekly column on elder care issues.

Terry’s 75-year-old mother lives in her own home. She is very independent-minded, but her memory seems less dependable than it used to be. Her self-confidence is also compromised by a mild fear of falling when she walks, even in her own home.

So Terry (not his real name) asked me what he could do to help his mother.

My response to Terry was this: Speak openly and caringly to your mother about your concerns and her fears. Work with your mother’s doctor to address both her unreliable memory and her fear of falling. There are specific ways to “fall-proof” her home and to provide her with confidence-building support.

If we grow old enough, we all will face changing life needs – such as declining physical health, memory lapses, limited financial resources, difficult family communications, loss of personal meaning, etc. When these things happen, many elders and adult children are befuddled as to which direction to turn next.

Welcome to the Elder Maze. Sometimes an elder or her family member just runs into one dead end after another. The journey can get confusing and fearful.

There are often very good reasons for that confusion or fear. But you don’t need to let your journey through the Elder Maze have the last word. You can be in charge of that trip.

This new column will explore different ways to keep you in charge of that journey. Perhaps you are an elder. Perhaps you are an adult child. Or you could be a caregiver or the cared-for. Whoever you are, you can make your life healthier and more hopeful.

I am biased when it comes to elder care. During 27 years as a parish pastor, my church members taught me much about aging with grace as well as grumpiness. Then I spent 4 ½ years as a nursing home social worker, plus six months as administrator of an assisted living facility.

In those 32 years, one of the lessons I learned is this: When we know something about what lies before us, we are better able to deal with aging more gracefully, more hopefully and more effectively.

Some of my learning is confirmed in my own family. My father and I lived through my mother’s yearlong terminal illness. Now Dad and I walk together through his own Elder Maze, one step at a time – sometimes forward two paces and one back, but always forward.

You may know of me through the Faith and Values column I write for this newspaper. Gratefully, I will continue to write that column.

Because spiritually is a vital part of living for many elders, I will include it on occasion. But overall, this column will provide a wide variety of resources, information and insights for the hands-on and hearts-on tasks of aging.

I want these columns to be reader-nourished, so I am eager to hear from you. Your experiences, your insights, and your questions will help flesh out the chosen topic for a particular column.

Please let me know where you are in the journey and what you need to get through it.

The more you know about aging before you enter the Elder Maze, the less scary it is. The more you learn, the more likely you will make healthier decisions for you and with your family members.

Growing older isn’t for the fainthearted (in a manner of speaking). So getting through the maze requires a healthy, if somewhat twisted, sense of humor. I intend to include at least one grin, giggle or guffaw in each column to remind us all that laughter can see us through some tough times.

Remember, elders are more valuable than the younger generation. We have silver in our hair, gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, and lead in our feet, plus we’re loaded with natural gas!

Welcome to the Elder Maze. Join with me as we explore together your befuddlements, your “aha!” moments and your reasons for panic and for peace.

I expect our journey together will be both nourishing and delightful.