Guests turn on hostess during dinner party

Dear Miss Manners: During the course of a dinner party which I hosted for two long-term, close (too long? too close?) friends, I was stunned when their conversation took a turn toward some of my flaws, which, evidently, were more bothersome to them than I was aware.

In turn, I was labeled as controlling, indecisive, tough, and, my personal favorite, “spoiled.”

Given that I had just spent the day and a good part of the week planning and preparing an evening especially for these two friends and their husbands, I was stunned and more than a little hurt.

However, following your advice – and my mother’s – I resisted the urge to reciprocate in kind. While I thought my mother had prepared me quite well in both language and etiquette, I imagine such a scenario was not within her post-Victorian repertoire! Your advice as to what a proper response should have been or, God forbid, should be if such an event occurs in future?

Gentle Reader: It is true that you cannot challenge anyone to a duel while that person is a guest in your house. Nevertheless, you were roundly insulted, despite your attackers’ believing that they were only being honest and it was for your own good.

A good hostess would try to accommodate her guests. Miss Manners recommends standing up and saying, “You are very good to accept my hospitality, considering what you think of me. But I wouldn’t dream of imposing on you any longer.”

Dear Miss Manners: It recently occurred to me that two habits I have might be uncouth. You seem like the best person to ask.

I do not dry my hair by artificial means. It looks best if I allow it to air dry. Consequently, if I wash it in the morning, I often leave the house with damp hair.

Is this a bad habit? Recently, I heard someone in passing disparage someone else for leaving the house with wet hair. (She and I did not know each other, so I know she wasn’t talking about me.)

Also, I usually dry the insides of my ears with cotton tips in the morning, but sometimes they are still damp when I leave the house. If they are damp, they get cold. What is the best way to dry the insides of my ears when I’m in my car on my way to work?

As I type this, I realize fingers are probably not the couth option, but that’s what I’ve been using.

Gentle Reader: Yes, we all use our fingers to type. But what, pray tell, are you using to steer your car? And are you telling Miss Manners that you are plastered with wet hair and feel the cold only in your already swabbed ears?

Come now. Hair that appears wet, whether from washing, swimming or spraying, is not an etiquette crime. Trifling with Miss Manners’ good nature may be.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the polite way of addressing an orchestra conductor in an e-mail or letter?

Gentle Reader: Maestro (or Maestra). They love it.