Annie’s Mailbox: Tell truth about the life, mate you yearn for

Dear Annie: I am in my mid-50s and have known since childhood that I am gay, but have always lived as a straight man. I met my wife in graduate school. I liked her as a friend and, after many years, gave in and married her. I was lonely and couldn’t see myself living openly as my real self. We have two children.

Four months ago, I met a younger guy who is very much in the closet except with me. Our friendship electrifies me. There is nothing sexual between us, and I don’t intend to initiate anything, but if he wanted more, I don’t know what I’d do. I couldn’t stand to lose him. I have been faithful to my wife, even though our sex life has been marginal at best. She accepts my friend and has even had him over for dinner, but my children do not. It’s as if they know.

I want so much to tell my wife. I know it would clear up many questions I’m sure she has. Do I have anything to gain by telling her, or should I just refuse to state what might already be obvious? – Still In the Closet

Dear Closet: Here’s what you have to gain: a loving relationship and satisfying sex life with someone who appreciates the real you, and the self-respect that comes from being honest and doing the right thing. Your wife also deserves to know the truth and, if she wants it, a relationship with someone who is sexually attracted to her.

She and your children can learn to forgive you for the deception, if you handle this decently and lovingly. If you decide to come clean, you can get support through PFLAG (pflag.org), 1726 M St. N.W., Suite 400, Washington, D.C. 20036.

Dear Annie: As the mother of a young gay man, I want to respond to that poor teenage boy in California whose father won’t let him hang out with “Alex” because he might be gay. Your advice was right on. Being gay is not contagious.

My son is now 27, a graduate of a prestigious university, responsible, respectable and gainfully employed. My only response to his “outing” was concern over his safety, due to the mentality of people like that teenage boy’s father.

I couldn’t help but wonder, though, about the school thinking they needed to call home and report that “Alex” was caught kissing another guy at school. Unless the school also does this when boys are caught kissing girls, they are wide open for a discrimination lawsuit. – “Lavender’s” Mom and Proud of Him

Dear Mom: We don’t know the policy of this particular school, but we certainly hope it is the same for all students regardless of gender.