For love there must be interest
Dear Carolyn: Do women actually fall for their male friends, or have I just been fooled by Hollywood movies like “When Harry Met Sally … “? I mean, if Billy Crystal can get the girl, why can’t I? – Va.
Whether a woman falls for her male friend has nothing to do with reason or theories, or movies, but aside from that you have a reasonable theory. Based on a movie.
Obviously it can and does happen sometimes. True friends are honest with each other, and falling unexpectedly for each other’s most honest selves sounds a lot more credible – and appealing, if you ask me – than dating, set-ups, or even love at first sight.
The hitch, of course, is that one look at someone’s honest self is often the last look you want to take.
That’s why all you can do is be yourself, be patient and let it play out. Keep your expectations in proportion, too; in this sense, at least, “Sally” did imitate life. There was no initial attraction, remember (a good thing, since romantic intentions tend to suppress honesty) – but they did find each other interesting. You won’t get too far without that.
Dear Carolyn: I am pregnant with my first child, and a friend threw a shower for me this past Saturday. I invited my best friend from college, who lives four hours away. We graduated about 15 years ago and have kept in touch but are not nearly as close as we were in college. About a week before the shower, my friend called and said she’d like to come. I said great! She then asked if she could stay at my place Friday and Saturday nights. I told her we already had a houseful and that Friday was going to be stressful. But I said she could stay with us on Saturday night if she’d like. She started crying on the phone and said that’s not what she had in mind and she’d just come another time. Then the day before the shower, I got a note from her in the mail with a gift card saying that she wished she could have been at the shower and that “it would have done me so much good and done you so little harm.”
I think she’s overstepped a boundary. I invited her to a shower, not to a girls’ weekend away. How do you recommend I respond to her note? – D.C.
She did overstep a boundary, I agree. But if you’ve known her for 15 years plus college, then you know whether she has a history of this – and if she doesn’t have a history of drama, then I think the friendly gesture would be to respond by asking if she’s OK.
She may have been crying out for help in a way that seemed so obvious to her that she’s now upset that you missed it; in fact, if the phone weeping was out of character, then it was a cry for help, albeit not an obvious one, and you did miss it.
Ask specifically if that’s the case. It would be sad to dump a 15-year-plus-college friendship just because she couldn’t explicitly ask for help, and you couldn’t call explicitly to find out what’s going on.