Commitment lasts as long as heart is in it
Dear Carolyn: I’m having a hard time finding a clear idea of what commitment means in a world where there is little stigma on divorce.
My current partner is a big fan of the phrase “as long as we both shall live” and wants to include it in her wedding vows. The notion of divorce as self-defense can be taken too far, but so can the notion that self-destruction is better than divorce. Sometimes people really feel like staying married to the wrong person would kill an important part of them. Even when my own wife left me for a family friend, it was more complicated and mutual than most friends were willing to accept, so I resist the temptation to stigmatize those who initiate divorce.
Is it unreasonable to take a more one-day-at-a-time approach, treating each day as a mutual proposal to stay married? Am I nuts for thinking “as long as we both shall live” sounds a little bit like “I marry you to death”? Or do the feelings that compel us to marry inevitably burn out, leaving few options other than divorce and marriage-for-commitment’s-sake? – Still Living
It’s easier to make sense of your question starting from the end and working backward. Kind of like marriage, actually.
Many of the feelings that lead to marriage burn out, of course. But not “inevitably”; it depends both on what those feelings are, and how you, your partner and fate choose to handle them.
You cite two common marital outcomes – divorce or eternal slog – but there are so many more. Some marriages get closer and warmer with age. Some tank and then recover, often strengthened for it. There are the mutually agreeable arrangements – marriages nobody understands, with the possible exception of the couple themselves.
Your dueling catchphrases suggest strikingly different ideals: that she wants quantity, you want quality. But really you’re both after the same thing (you and everyone else) – the assurance that you’ve got the right person. She just wants hers upfront, and your experience says no such advance assurance exists.
It doesn’t play well romantically – can you see “Till Death or Chronic Unhappiness Do Us Part” in metallic script on a paperback? Practically, however, I think commitments are the same for the divorce-receptive and non-. They all last as long as the couple’s hearts are in them, and not a moment more or less.
Will your partner agree? Dunno. It’s a fine conversation to have.