In service to others

In June 2002, Andrew DeLateur, a recent high school graduate, announced that he had enlisted in the U.S. Marines.

It shocked his parents. College – not war – was the game plan for the three DeLateur sons.

Between ages 18 and 22, DeLateur did three tours in Iraq, and returned to Spokane in 2006, graduating from Gonzaga University in 2010.

His mother, Mary DeLateur, had always planned to work again once her boys were out of high school, but Andrew’s decision focused her in a new direction. She earned a master’s in social work and now counsels veterans.

Almost all U.S. troops will be out of Iraq by Dec. 31. In a recent Wise Words interview, Andrew, 27, and Mary, 57, talked about what this might mean for veterans, their families and the rest of us.

Reaction to the troop withdrawal

Mary: I just got really quiet. It’s kind of like that movie “Waiting to Exhale.” It was a release. It’s allowing me to do some more grieving.

  Andrew: I thought it was great. It’s not one of my favorite places in the world, and I doubt it made the top 10 list for other guys who have been there. I still have some kind of search for meaning going on. If it ends without finding meaning for why I was there, or why anyone was there, it leaves a little bit of a hole.

Post-war adjustment

Mary: I worry the media will think: “Oh, we’re done now.” But a lot of us are going to be dealing with this for a long time, and we’d like the community to be mindful of that. Some families lost loved ones over there. They are never coming back. I don’t want to forget the family’s sacrifice, and what they continue to face at every holiday, birthday, anniversary.

Be aware. Say you’re in Wal-Mart and some guy almost runs you over with his cart and gets to the shortest line and is out the door. Consider the fact he might be a vet who wanted to buy a Christmas gift for his son but crowds are scary, and he cannot control crowds.

Or if someone cuts you off on the freeway. He could have been a convoy driver in Iraq where red lights and slowing down are unsafe.

Find out who your veterans are in your neighborhood or congregation. Women veterans are also very hard to identify in the general population, but that we have 55,000 women vets in the state, from all eras.

  Andrew: Don’t ask: “What was it like over there?” It’s like a guy asking “What was childbirth like?” I could spend the rest of my life trying to explain to people how it smelled over there, and it wouldn’t touch the surface.

I like when people say thank you. But I feel like it’s slightly unnecessary. Some people think it was an obligation, but it should be considered a privilege. It was one heck of a ride, but I chose willingly to do it.

How the war changed their lives

Andrew: Those four years felt like an entire lifetime. I had a soccer game last night, and most of the guys on my soccer team I went to high school with. I don’t know how they see it, but I feel like there’s a 20-year-gap between the time we knew each other and the time when I came back.

A friend sent me a letter during my second tour explaining this wonderful new game that all his buddies played called beer pong. That was the point of their Friday night to play beer pong. I was (thinking): “I’m just hoping to stay alive tonight and tomorrow and the next night, but you enjoy your sliming from frat house to frat house to find the Mecca of beer pong.”

Mary: When Andrew went to war, I was really mad. It wasn’t my idea of what he was going to do when he grew up. I wanted to channel my anger into something positive. I saw what was going to happen, that the veterans were going to need help. I didn’t want to stand on the sidelines.

We were looking at another generation engaged in what might be a long war, and I wanted to be a part of making sure we treated this generation of veterans different than we treated the Vietnam vets. We couldn’t afford to make that mistake again. We lost too many Vietnam vets after they returned from war.

Hiring veterans

Andrew: I’ve applied to a lot of fire departments. It’s a job that has a lot of purpose to it. That is why it appeals to a lot of veterans, because once again, you can do something that matters. It’s like being in the military. You have a uniform. There are physical standards, grooming standards, a rank structure.

They have veterans’ preference up to the point they have to hire a veteran. Then they are as uninterested as they can be. I feel like they think it’s more of a liability than an asset. I think they think all veterans are crazy, psycho.

Mary: Veterans bring discipline, a desire to work hard as a team, loyalty. They are mission-minded. A lot of them are battle-tested. They have worked as a team under incredible stress. They don’t sweat the small stuff. They are so grateful for things we take for granted. They do more with less. They improvise. They can bring a lot to a job.

A lot of them have had traumatic experiences and they can show us how you keep moving, even though you have been through so much.

Final thoughts

Andrew: People honor our service just by existing. Maybe I don’t like the way some people go about (existing). We do what we do so you can have your iPhones and your six-car garages? But I did it just as much for that guy as I did it for the guy standing (downtown) saying “Occupy Spokane.” He actually is exercising his rights more than most people.

Mary: It is my greatest joy to see Andrew back here. He always lets me hug him. He never pushes away and says, “Oh, Mom.” I hug and kiss him anytime I get. It’s been five years, and I still do it.