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Carolyn Hax: Estrangement from kids on you

Sun., June 26, 2011

Dear Carolyn: Seventeen years ago I divorced the mother of my four children. After a heated divorce lasting several months, we agreed on things and split up legally. Throughout the proceedings, my wife used my children as weapons against me, and I spent the next several years listening to insult after insult from my children, driven from their mother.

My work had me out of state for the past seven years. During that time, I had little to no contact with my children. I came back home in December of 2010 and quickly tried to rebuild my relationship with my children, thinking that now, as adults, they would be able to see that my love for them never died.

This past weekend I visited my 28-year-old’s Facebook page to discover she has now declared her stepdad “Navy Dad for life.”

Needless to say I was devastated. My plans to visit her were canceled as a result. She sent me text messages telling me I had no reason to be upset and that I would never hear an apology from her. The next day, my ex sends me a text telling me that SHE in fact bought the T-shirt for her husband and to lighten up on our daughter.

How do they justify hurting me like this without taking any responsibility for their actions?

My daughter deploys next month and I don’t want her to leave under these conditions. – F.

You’ve been in parental purgatory for 17 years, and you’re planting your flag on a lousy T-shirt.

I can’t know what happened in those crucial months before, during and after your divorce, but I have no problem believing that one parent would try to poison the kids against the other. It just happens too often to deny.

But blaming your ex-wife for your overreaction to the T-shirt, and the resulting re-estrangement from your kids, is so far over the line you’re off the field and halfway to the parking lot. You own this debacle, sir, from beginning to end.

It is an unfortunate fact chain that rejection leads to hurt feelings, which often lead to reflexive acting-out, which usually leads to further rejection. You’re living this chain with your unhealed wounds from 17 years ago resulting in over-sensitivity to perceived slights – your latest outbreak of which has your kids sprinting to distance themselves from you. I have no doubt you’ve lived other versions of this cycle in the years since your divorce.

And who provided a steady, paternal presence throughout? Their stepfather, apparently; if true, then he has earned your kids’ high regard.

That doesn’t mean there’s no place for you. What you want is some sort of warm, functional interaction with your kids – understandably – and there’s more than enough room for that.

If you decide you’re ready to put in a mature, sustained effort to serve your future with your kids, then I urge you to stop blaming your ex long enough to notice that, rough history notwithstanding, she handled the Great T-Flap of 2011 in an exemplary way. She came forward, took responsibility for her role in it, and protected her child.

Do the same. Step forward, now, and tell your daughter you take full responsibility for overreacting to the shirt. Un-cancel the visit. Let her know you’ve been duly reminded that you have healing and learning to do.

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