Smart Bombs: Shake that groove thing

Prediction: The next “freedom” issue will be tire studs. November rolls up on Tuesday, meaning it’s the first day motorists can drive around on the little road rippers. In Idaho, those liberty-loving showoffs could don the metallic comforters on Oct. 1.

And you thought rutting season was confined to elk.

In my 14 years here, I’ve never used studded tires or slid off into a ditch. Tire stores have plenty of traction tires that work as well, or better. It’s only in relatively rare glare ice conditions (right around the freezing point) that studded tires perform best, according to a Washington State Department of Transportation study. In other conditions, like wet pavement, studded tires extend the stopping time of vehicles, meaning they’re more dangerous.

But, of course, we’re going to hear latter-day Patrick Henrys hold forth on how they’ll never surrender the freedom to choose. Never mind that the state just spent $15.5 million repairing that grooved stretch of Interstate 90 from downtown Spokane to Sunset Hill. Did you enjoy that traffic jam? Did you realize that you contributed to it if you’re a believer in the false promise of studded tires?

Too bad we couldn’t spend that money on the north-south freeway, rather than reacting to the hastened demise of any existing one.

An Oregon citizen who can’t stand the waste and is fed up with legislative cowardice is circulating petitions for a ban on studded tires in that state. Sure hope it passes. Might trigger a similar effort here.

Or, lawmakers could head off a ban by charging a fee to compensate for the damage metal mavens cause in exercising their freedom to waste tax dollars.

Clean at last! In last Tuesday’s column, Doug Clark shined a light on the spotted dishes caused by the freedom-zapping phosphate ban in Spokane County. The state imposed the same ban for laundry detergent 18 years ago, but apparently the one for dishwashers is a much bigger deal. Not because a different principle is involved; it’s just that phosphate is seen as more critical in cleaning dishes than clothes.

In any event, it was illuminating to learn about the Cascading effects of this prohibition on Spokanites’ quality of life as dishwashers and Americans. The only thing missing from this protest is a catchy slogan – “Phos 4 Us!” – and some inspirational music, like the kind that lifted spirits in the darkest hours of the civil rights movement. I can hear Mavis Staples now:

“This little plate of mine. I’m gonna let it shine!”

Anyway, after extensive research, I discovered a connection between pots and pans and the daughters and sons of liberty. Revere Ware is named for Paul Revere, who was a silversmith and hardware entrepreneur when he wasn’t issuing full-throated warnings about redcoats. But, irony of ironies, you’re not supposed to put your Revere Ware in the dishwasher. So how to clean it?

The secret to that should also help those who are struggling without their fish-killing chemical additive, especially that one patriot who runs her syrup-laden plates through the dishwasher multiple times (obviously a woman undeterred by the new water rates). If you consider this a “phate” worse than death, then listen, my children, and you shall hear:

Take a sponge, wet it and wipe off the sticky ingredients. Then place the item in the dishwasher.

At this point, you might want to collapse onto the couch, because it can be exhausting. Just be glad it isn’t Revere Ware, because you have to scrub the pots and pans until they’re entirely clean, then rinse and dry.

Makes me dizzy just thinking about it.

On the other hand, it has strengthened my respect for our ancestors, who way back in the 20th century washed and dried every knife, fork, spoon, ladle, glass, cup, dish, bowl and pot and pan by hand. This was before they were emancipated by Ken More, or whoever it was that invented the automatic dishwasher.

The lesson here is that put-upon Americans can overcome oppression if they persevere and listen to the right music:

“Hold on! Hold on! Keep your eyes on the prize and hold on!”