Beau sometimes says hurtful things
Dear Carolyn: I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive and/or nitpicky here: My boyfriend of seven months occasionally says hurtful things to me such as “You’re not attractive when you’re anxious” and “You just aren’t very loveable sometimes.” I’m in great shape and don’t dress like a total shlub either.
I don’t believe he sets out to hurt my feelings. But I’ve told him that his bluntness is harsh and that I’m a sensitive person, and he agreed to soften his tone and reassured me he didn’t mean to hurt me. Recently he told me I have all “court cards” – I just don’t play them right; I don’t let him chase me enough (seven months in?). I feel like I disappoint him a lot. That I’m not sexy or charming enough sometimes, and not emotionally cool enough, either.
He compliments me frequently as well, telling me I’m talented/beautiful/smart, but he often follows such compliments with a comment like, “It’s surprising that you’re not more accomplished than you are.” How to toughen up and develop a thicker skin? I want to be the strong, confident woman he says is the most attractive kind of woman. – Bad at cards
How sexy/charming/ accomplished/confident/ strong/emotionally cool/talented/beautiful/ smart/loveable is he? Don’t ask him this, ask yourself why it isn’t your first thought when he puts you down.
Why? Because the only card you appear to have played badly is the “take care of yourself” card.
You’re just being yourself. If that self is a mix of talent, some self-doubt, beauty, smarts, anxiety flare-ups, forthrightness in love, sensitivity, accomplishments and failures, then so be it; they’re all you, and you sound complete, human, fine.
If he’s not fine with the way you are? Then, by all means, let him go find the … ah, what is it … the “strong, confident woman he says is the most attractive kind.”
Taking his words at face value, I can argue it this way: If you aren’t that strong, confident woman, then why is he with you? And if you are that, then why is he pestering you to change?
If it’s in between – he’s attracted to your “potential” to become this woman – then I’ll address the rest to you: How’s that working for you? Are you feeling spruced and polished now? Great about yourself? Do you like being the poor, inferior project?
The real issue is that he’s using your insecurities to control you. People are unique, but abuse is boilerplate: Seduce someone with charm, introduce doubt with repeated I-just-want-the-best-for- you criticism, keep the person from leaving by offering well-timed apologies and praise, repeat.
From here, your flaws look like the usual stuff, the kind people struggle with personally, and accept/embrace/forgive in each other – and eventually in themselves – daily, in millions of ways in millions of mostly functional homes.
His flaw, on the other hand, appears to work as a toxic substance on you, and your relationship is suffused with it. You want a thicker skin for dealing with the world, not for protecting your heart from someone who professes to care about you.